


A story about love

by poppynightin



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Heartbreak, Kinda, M/M, My friends call me satan now but its really not that bad, Smut, i think..., its as messy as real life, more Violet/Katya really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-11-18 14:25:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11292501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppynightin/pseuds/poppynightin
Summary: 'They had done it all. Staying up until the sun rises just to talk. Learning how much milk belonged into the other ones perfect coffee.And Violet had known every time. Violet had thought about saying it every time. But Violet had never told Katya that she loved her.She looks at Trixie smiling at Katya while Katya's arm is around her waist and wonders if things would be different if she would have.'___This is not a love story. This is a story about love.___(NON AU; Katya, Violet, Trixie; she/her)





	1. Violet: She's not me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SecretBane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretBane/gifts).



> This is for Yaskara, because she kind of co-developped this whole idea and helped me with finding songs and also gives amazing pointers! <3

**Violet: She’s not me**

Violet is concentrating really hard on painting on her eyebrows to not let Trixie see the hurt that flashes across Violet’s face when she confirms what Violet had already known was true.

Trixie and Katya are a couple. An actual real life couple. It's been less than a year since Katya has left Violet’s New York apartment and now she's dating Trixie.

Violet glances at Trixie who is just doing last minute touch ups before her and Violet have to go on stage.

“That's an interesting necklace,” Violet says. She doesn't know why she has to point it out. She knows that it is Katya’s necklace. It's not her favourite necklace, that one she would never give away, but it's her second favourite which somehow makes it worse.

“It’s Katya’s. I just like to have a part of her with me,” Trixie says while smiling at Violet.

And Violet feels a pang in her chest. She doesn't know if it is because she feels guilty for having wished that she would be in Trixie’s place or because she wishes that she would have a piece of Katya’s to remember her by.  
All Katya had left at her place last summer was a used pair of eyelashes and that had been more disgusting than comforting. 

And then Trixie is on the phone with Katya and tells her that she misses her and Violet wishes that she wouldn't be able to relate this much.

Trixie smiles into the phone and she looks so happy and Violet feels guilty when she imagines Katya and Trixie dating. Actually dating. She doesn't know if it is the jealousy or the heartbreak or the longing but she just can't see it.

 

_// Does she make you feel wanted like I did  
Make you feel like you're the one thing that matters //_

 

Violet’s hand was at the back of Katya's neck and was digging into it until Katya hissed. 

“The fuck is with those nails, Miss? That's not what good lesbians do,” Katya said against her lips.

“Oh no! What shall we do? Seems like fisting is off limits today,” Violet giggled before pressing their lips back together.

Katya pulled back again. “That’s a shame.” She paused for a moment to look at Violet with a grin. “I’m serious.”

“Oh, I know you are,” Violet whispered before pressing a fast kiss onto Katya’s lips. 

She sunk down to her knees and pulled Katya’s jeans and underwear off in one go, her dick springing out immediately. She locked eyes with Katya when she took her into her mouth and Katya took a sharp inhale of breath.  
Violet slowly teased and Katya was looking down at her with dark eyes that made Violet go out of her mind.  
Katya closed her eyes and Violet sucked harder. Katya’s fingers were digging into her scalp while she hissed. Violet chuckled against Katya’s dick and Katya moaned even more.  
Violet sucked a few more times before slowly moving away from Katya’s dick. Violet licked over its entire length one more time before getting back up and smirking at Katya. 

“Fucking tease,” Katya murmered before grabbing onto the back of Violet’s neck roughly to catch her lips into a messy kiss while leading them towards Violet’s bed.  
She pushed Violet onto it and took off her clothes before climbing on top of her. 

Violet reached for her but Katya caught her hands and pinned them over Violet’s head.

“No hands.” She looked at Violet for a moment as if waiting for confirmation.

“Okay,” Violet brought out. Sex with Katya always filled her with the desire to feel possessed. She wanted Katya to take care of her, to fill her, to consume her. The aura Katya exuded while in bed was exhilarating and Violet was addicted to it.

Katya nodded at her before pressing a soft kiss onto Violet’s lips. 

She grabbed onto Violet’s hips and turned her around pulling her ass towards her face and went in. Her hands are spreading Violet’s cheeks apart and her tongue teasingly licked over Violet’s hole a few times. Violet pressed her head onto her forearms and swore under her breath. But Katya had no mercy. Before Violet could form a coherent thought Katya’s tongue was inside her and fucking her. Violet dug her fingers into the pillow and pressed her face into it harder.  
And then the sensation was gone. Katya quickly applied lube all around Violet’s hole and replaced her tongue with her fingers, slowly and teasingly stretching her open. 

She grabbed onto Violet’s hips once more and forced her onto her back. She grabbed onto Violet’s jaw, tilting her head and kissed her roughly. Violet grabbed onto Katya’s ass and forced her body to press against her own. 

Katya suddenly grabbed Violet’s wrist roughly. “No hands,” she said in a low and controlled tone against Violet’s lips and Violet needed her, needed her more than ever.

She caught Katya’s bottom lip between her teeth and lightly bit into it before leaning back into the pillow and locking eyes with Katya who was now rolling her hips against Violet’s in a beautifully torturous slow motion. 

“Just fuck me, I need you, now,” Violet brought out between slow moans.

Katya moved back for a moment to put a condom on and Violet watched with arousal as Katya breathed heavily while putting lube on her own length. 

She got a hold of both of Violet’s wrists and moved them to rest over Violet’s head. And then she was inside her. Pushing in and out so painfully slow.

Katya kept Violet’s hands pinned over her head and moved slowly, so slowly inside Violet. The grasp on Violet’s wrists wasn't strong but it still was firm and controlling and might have made Violet go just a little bit insane. And Violet needed _more_. Needed _everything_. Needed _her_.

Katya was smirking down at her and Violet grinned back.

“You’re enjoying this power thing too much,” Violet said.

“And you aren't?” Katya smirked while almost completely pulling out of Violet before plunging back in, making both of them moan.

“Right now, I’m not,” Violet brought out. It was a lie. She enjoyed this. She enjoyed all of it. Enjoyed Katya looking powerful, and gorgeous, confident and strong. Enjoyed how the muscles in Katya’s arm were flexing, how her hair was a mess, how her thumb was stroking over Violet’s wrist, how her eyes lit up when they connected with Violet’s. 

Katya looked down at her for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face but when her and Violet’s eyes locked she smirked again and leaned down. “You’re sure about that?” she asked right next to Violet’s ear and her voice was low and her breath hot against Violet’s skin. Katya pushed in and out of Violet harder and she was moaning into her ear and Violet lost herself in the moment.

“More,” Violet breathed out. “I need you so much.”

Katya kissed the side of Violet’s neck and let go of her arms. And then she was _fucking_ her. 

Katya’s arms were on either side of Violet’s head and she was holding herself up on her forearms. Violet wrapped her arms around Katya and dug her fingers into her shoulderblades. 

Katya was moving inside Violet so fast, so hard, so good. Her forehead was resting against Violet’s shoulder and she could feel Katya’s and her own sweat all over her body. 

“Fuck Vi, so good,” Katya breathed out against Violet’s neck while her thrusts were getting slower and less forceful. She pulled back a bit and locked eyes with Violet. “You're so fucking beautiful, fuck,” she whispered. 

Violet looked at her, so strong and powerful and softly stroked over her bottom lip with her thumb before Katya leaned down to catch Violet’s lips in another messy kiss.

There were more messy kisses and more fucking that night. And soft kisses and gentle words and Katya’s arm around her while Violet fell asleep with the feeling of Katya’s heart beating under her head.

 

_// You let her head rest on your chest_  
But when you close your eyes  
You'll be seeing my face again  
I'll be crossing your mind //

 

"You really want to watch Harry Potter?" Violet wrapped her arms around Katya from behind

"I'm feeling particularly witchy today." 

Violet chuckled lightly before placing a soft kiss into Katya's neck. "Well, okay then. I guess we're watching Harry Potter." 

"Good." Katya put her hands over Violets around her waist, intertwined their fingers and dropped her head against Violets shoulder. Violet started walking without letting go off Katya, both stumbling and giggling but somehow making it onto the couch. 

They made it through three movies and Violet fell asleep on Katya's chest to the sound of her shallow breathing and her heartbeat.

 

_// Said I wonder now  
Yeah I wonder how you've been // _

 

Violet can't believe that she is going to be living in L.A. for the next six months and will have to look at them being all coupled up.  
Katya doesn't seem unhappy and she’s laughing a lot when she’s with Trixie. She is in a restaurant with them and Katya is looking at Trixie delightedly and making so many jokes and it seems as if her only goal in life is making Trixie laugh. Maybe it is. 

 

_// Are you happy?_  
Is she still the one?  
Are you having fun?  
Is it for real? // 

 

Violet maybe could let it go if Katya would seem absolutely content. She doesn’t look uncomfortable, in fact she looks very comfortable with Trixie. The two of them always had this deeper level of connection that Violet never had fully understood. She had figured that that had been what had made them such good friends, best friends, soulmates even. Even last year she had never felt jealous, no matter how many times Katya would mention her. Because she felt as if she had understood them, had understood their soul connection kind of thing, how they would profit from each other's humor, each other's company. She had never wished to be in Trixie’s place because she had been sure enough of her own place in Katya’s life. Trixie was her best friend and Violet was her… whatever Violet had been.  
But she had never thought that Trixie would be able to fill both positions, well in fact it had never even occurred to her that either Trixie or Katya would even want her to fill both positions. 

But looking at them now, their dynamics are off. It isn't too noticeable unless you pay a lot of attention. Which Violet does. Katya’s hand would look stiff and forced intertwined with Trixie’s. Trixie would shift uncomfortably in her seat while Katya’s arm was around her. They would change the topic before they would start to disagree. There would be pauses in the conversation that neither of them could fill with a joke. There would be uncomfortable smiles that hadn't been there before.

They were still Trixie and Katya. _Always Trixie and Katya._ But everything seemed to have shifted a little. All the elements were still there, the laughter, the jokes, the deep understanding of each other but Violet still couldn't shake the feeling that something was just a little _off._

 

_// Baby…_  
Cause I'll be waiting here  
Another week or month or year // 

 

And she wishes that it would be her in Trixie’s place. That Katya’s arm would be around Violet’s shoulders, that her hand would be in hers.

_// God I wish I knew everything  
'Bout the two of you //_

 

_// Do you go to the movies? //_

 

Katya was late. Violet tried to ignore her annoyance and to be more patient. She was already annoyed as it was since Katya was dragging her into some kind of documentary Violet had absolutely no interest in. But Katya wanted to see it so of course Violet had agreed to go with her, secretly excited to be spending some time with Katya outside of her apartment. 

Violet aggressively fired another text to Katya when she felt arms wrapping around her waist. 

“I'm sorry.” Katya’s breath hit her neck. 

Violet spun around in her arms and raised an eyebrow at her.

“I'm sorry,” Katya said again with a small smile. “I'll buy you chicken dinner.”

Violet raised her eyebrows further. “Chicken dinner?”

Katya shrugged her shoulders, arms still around Violet. “Modern day romance.”

Violet smirked at her before wrapping her arms around Katya’s shoulders. “I see how it is, trying to bribe me with food.”

“Is it working?”

Violet shrugged her shoulders. “Eh, sex would've worked better.”

Katya let out a laugh. “That too, the dinner is for energy,” she winked at Violet before leaving their embrace and grabbing Violet’s hand and leading them into the movie theatre.

The documentary was just as boring as Violet would have expected but Katya held her hand throughout the whole thing and didn't even let go when they made their way to Violet’s apartment.

 

_// Do you make out in the park? //_

 

Violet looked down at her phone and snorted.

“What’s up?” Katya asked while slightly sitting up and leaning onto her elbows.

“Fame won't make it wednesday. Her and Patrick have their 2.500 day anniversary.”

Katya almost dropped her phone before looking at Violet with wide eyes. “Their what now?”

“2.500 day anniversary.”

Katya lightly shook her head. “That's-”

“-intense,” Violet jumped in with a grin.

“I would've went with crazy but yes,” she smirked at Violet. “But I guess it works for some people.”

“Guess so.” Violet smiled at her phone while typing a quick reply to Fame. “So there go our wednesday plans. What to do?” she said while putting her phone down and looking at Katya.

Katya raised her eyebrows and looked at Violet challenging before sitting up, the grass leaving some imprints on her forearms. She moved towards where Violet was laying in the grass and leaned over her, her hand resting at the back of Violet’s neck, her thumb softly stroking over the skin there. “What to do? What to do, I wonder,” she smirked before pressing her lips onto Violet's softly.

 

_// Do you stay up for hours?  
And just talk and talk? // _

 

Violet felt Katya softly pinching into the skin at her waist before placing a small kiss on her shoulder.

“Vi, are you awake?” Her voice was so gentle and Violet felt herself smile at the tenderness.

She turned to her side to look at Katya. “Well, I am now. What's up? What time is it?”

“3 a.m.”

Violet let out a small groan before smirking at at Katya. “Why?”

“You can go back to sleep?” Katya said and Violet couldn't see her properly but wished that she could.

Violet tangled her legs with Katya’s which probably wasn't the best idea given the August heat but she didn’t care. “It's okay,” she said while letting her hand run through Katya's hair once. “What's up?”

Katya draped her arm around Violet and pulled her in. They were both sweaty and it was a bit disgusting but Violet couldn't bring herself to move. 

Katya’s voice was mixing in with the noises from the city. Violet could hear cars driving and people loudly talking and laughing from the street and Katya’s voice, so much quieter than when it was day outside.

“So, I had a weird sex dream-”

“Oh god.”

“Shut up,” Katya laughed before continuing. “So I was on a yacht and there was this guy that had only one leg. Well he had two but one was wooden. So like a pirate kinda guy. And he had a parrot sitting on his shoulder that kept on saying ‘blowjob, blowjob, give him a blowjob’. And then the pirate went ‘well you heard the man’. And then I gave him a blowjob and woke up.”

Violet let out a laugh and shook her head lightly. “I wish you never told me that.”

“It wasn't even that bad.”

“That's true. I've heard worse from you,” Violet laughed again with Katya joining in for a moment.

Katya shifted and tucked her arm under Violet’s head and Violet let her hand draw lazy patterns on Katya’s chest.

“Though I do wonder if the pirate is supposed to symbolise the neverending pull of modern day capitalism. And me listening to the parrot about giving him a blowjob is me being a marionette in this society? And the wooden leg says ‘it's a trap’. Do you know what I mean?”

Violet laughed again. “Totally,” she paused for a moment to lean over Katya to press her lips onto hers for a moment. Violet would never tell her but while she didn't appreciate the lack of sleep, she secretly enjoyed those 3 a.m. talks. Loved it when they're both in the haze between asleep and awake, between night and day and didn't know what they were saying and when it felt as if those moments could stretch on forever. When Violet wanted them to stretch on forever.

Violet pulled back again and settled against Katya’s chest. “So if a pirate is the capitalistic economy, what would the personification of a socialist economy look like?” 

Katya let out a quiet laugh before tangling her hand in Violet’s hair. “Well I'm glad you asked.”

When Violet was at the photoshoot a few hours later she wished that she could regret the lack of sleep. But she couldn’t. She enjoyed 3 a.m. conspiracy theorist Katya too much. Enjoyed 4 a.m. movie critique Katya too much. Enjoyed 5 a.m. food snob Katya too much. Loved 6 a.m. open book Katya. Loved 7 a.m. Katya kissing her and looking at her as if Violet was her entire world.

 

_// Or is it none of my business? //_

 

It doesn't matter, Violet tells herself. It's none of her business what Trixie and Katya do in their relationship. None of her business at all. They were just her friends. Katya was just her friend and Violet was in no position to judge their relationship when she probably only knew half of it. 

 

_// Does she know about the bracelets?_  
There were two of a kind  
Did you save did you save it?  
Like I did mine // 

 

Katya said that normally she would refuse to participate in capturing the essence of such a capitalistic materialised thing as relationships and dating and that she had no intention in living through the millenial hipster revival of Polaroid cameras and photo booths.

“I will do it if you really want to. But you have to know, Violet, that I will do it in irony,” she said before winking at Violet and pulling her into the photo booth.

But Katya took the second print of the photos when Violet offered it. 

That summer Katya had a dumb phone case that required to be taken off for charging her phone. And when Katya asked Violet to plug her phone in for her, the photos were right there; squeezed between that damn phone case and the phone, hidden from the world but always with Katya.

Violet had hers safely put away in an envelope that she had stored between some fashion magazines. 

Violet wondered where Katya’s were now.

 

_// Would it make any difference  
If I got you alone? //_

 

They had done it all. Staying up until the sun rises just to talk. Learning how much milk belonged into the other ones perfect coffee. Wearing each other's clothes. Even kissing in the fucking summer rain. 

And Violet had known every time. Violet had thought about saying it every time. But Violet had never told Katya that she loved her.

She looks at Trixie smiling at Katya while Katya's arm is around her waist and wonders if things would be different if she would have.

But that's not what happened and now she has to live with the consequences.

But when she locks eyes with Katya while Trixie is talking about celebrating her and Katya's three month anniversary with a fucking candle light dinner and a fucking romantic spa weekend she still feels a pang in her chest.

 

_// She's not me and she'll never be,_  
never be,  
never be. //


	2. Trixie: Give me Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heartbreak for everyone and Trixie POV. This one isn't as sad as most of the other ones, hope you enjoy. <3

**Trixie: Give me Love**

Trixie and Katya are in the club and Trixie doesn’t know why. For some reason Violet has talked Katya into coming to see her perform and Katya has dragged Trixie along.

Seeing Violet perform has been great, she was a fucking professional after all but Trixie was confused as to why Violet has asked them to come in the first place. Trixie hasn’t seen her at all after her performance.

But then there she is, completely de-dragged and giggling and hanging off some man’s shoulder while looking down at a sitting Trixie and Katya.

“Soooo,” she says while gesturing between Trixie and Katya. “Here they are. Guys, this is Johnny,” she giggles and the man, admittedly attractive tightens his grip on Violet’s waist for a moment before squeezing himself between Katya and Trixie on the booth, pulling Violet onto his lap in the process. Violet sits on his lap sideways and her back is turned towards Katya. Trixie shifts uncomfortably when the man, Johnny, addresses her.

“I saw you perform last month and you were so so amazing,” he says with a massive smile on his face and Violet giggles again and Trixie can tell that Violet has had a few drinks.

“Thanks,” Trixie replies, hoping that the conversation will be over soon.

But apparently neither Johnny nor Violet seem to be sharing that sentiment.

“I especially liked that part where you talked about your teen years-” Violet giggles again and Trixie raises her eyebrows. How drunk exactly was Violet?

Trixie watches on as Johnny keeps talking about Trixie’s performance, Violet burying her head into his neck and Katya abruptly standing up.

“I’m actually gonna get drinks. What do you guys want?” she says.

“Just water,” Trixie says while looking at Katya, trying to read her facial expression but she can’t.

“Me too,” Johnny says before smiling and running a hand down Violet’s back.

“Violet?” Katya says after a moment.

Violet tears her face off of the man’s neck and looks at Katya with a small smile while Katya is looking back at her in frustration. “What?” Violet cooes.

“Do you want a drink?” Katya asks again, keeping her eyes fixated on Violet.

They look at each other for a moment, unreadable expressions on both of their faces before Violet breaks out into a small smirk. “No, I’m good. Very good. Thanks for asking, babe.” She winks at Katya before turning her head back to face Johnny.

Trixie looks at Katya who looks at the back of Violet’s head and the look on her face sends a shiver down Trixie’s spine. Katya quickly turns around and makes her way to the bar.

_// Give me love like her //_

Trixie watches amused as Violet is complaining to someone about the heat in the damn club.

She is already out of drag and watches as Violet removes the layers of make up from her face.

Someone walks into the room with a tray of shots and places it next to Violet.

“Tracy,” Violet smirks. “Drink with me.”

Fucking Violet always trying to get her drunk. Trixie particularly remembers a night two years back when Trixie had been in Atlanta and Violet had been determined to get Trixie to loosen up and to ‘get it and then some’. Instead of ending the night with a handsome stranger she had ended it on Violet Chachki’s couch, puking her guts out while Violet lazily and helplessly patted her back. She hadn’t let Trixie live that down, constantly talking about how Trixie had ruined her favourite shoes and how tragic Trixie’s prudishness and non tolerance for alcohol was. But she had stayed awake and next to Trixie the whole night to make sure that Trixie would be alright and wouldn’t choke on her own vomit. , _Secretly a nice person_ Trixie thinks while looking at Violet now. 

Trixie really doesn’t want to drink with Violet but she could do with the distraction.

This is the first time Trixie is spending time alone with Violet since she moved to L.A. Usually Katya would be with them but she has a gig out of town and maybe Trixie is just a little bit glad. While she would love to have Katya here, for her laugh to fill the room, she could do without spending time with Violet and Katya at the same time. They’re acting weird around each other. Glances that last too long, inside jokes and momentary awkwardness. And it’s weird. There’s no denying that and Trixie wonders what it is about.

Katya and Violet have been doing this fuck buddies thing on and off for as long as Trixie has known them and they never had problems with being friends. But something has changed and Trixie isn’t sure if she actually wants to know what happened last summer, too afraid of the answer.

So she moves towards Violet and knocks the shot back.

Distraction only lasts so long. They’re four shots in when Violet brings up Katya. She had been going on about hook up stories for the past 20 minutes so Katya was bound to be brought up and Trixie has not been anticipating it. She has no desire to know about the details of all the sexual encounters her boyfriend and her friend had shared. It is weird enough to know that they were still talking to each other after all the times they had sex. Trixie doesn’t understand how they were able to do that. Have sex without the feelings. Well, not entirely, she knew they cared about each other, maybe even more than she had previously thought, but she didn’t get how they could fuck so many times without falling in love.

“Does Katya still do the tongue thing?” Violet slurs with a devilish grin on her face.

“Oh my god,” Trixie murmurs before looking away from Violet’s face.

Violet lets out a small laugh before pinching Trixie’s waist. “What come on! Don’t be like that. We had the same dick inside us. So we’ve pretty much had sex. Nothing’s off limits,” Violet laughs again and Trixie looks at her for a moment, almost impressed by that bullshit logic.

“You know what’s fascinating about sex with Katya?” Violet continues.

“I’m not talking to you about sex with Katya,” Trixie says with urgency. She doesn’t want to know. She really fucking doesn’t want to know what they did in bed. She doesn’t want to know about all the kinky shit Violet probably let Katya do to her and wonder if that is what Katya wants.

Violet ignores her. “Isn’t it weird how fucking dominant and possessive she is in bed but then after she’s all soft cuddles all night?”

Pang. There it is. Trixie blinks a few times at this revelation.

Katya doesn’t like cuddling after sex. She doesn’t, she doesn’t, she doesn’t. _She can’t._ They have never cuddled all night.

She fastly looks back at Violet. “Yeah.. interesting,” she brings out before digging through her purse, pretending to look for something. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck? They cuddled after sex?

On the rare occasion Trixie did allow herself to get weirded out by Violet’s and Katya’s shared past, she always imagined it as sex and then one of them leaving right after. They had cuddled after. They had stayed in bed and had cuddled. They had stayed in bed and had cuddled all night.

It would be easier if Violet would’ve said that just to wind her up but knowing Violet she was probably genuinely interested in whatever was going through Katya’s mind during sex and genuinely wanted Trixie’s input on the matter.

She’s not lying. Trixie knows that. She’s not trying to manipulate her, she genuinely thinks that this is how Katya is always in bed and somehow that makes everything worse. Trixie feels sick to her stomach.

_// And that tonight I’ll call ya_

_After my blood is drowning in alcohol_

_No I just wanna hold ya //_

Katya picks up after the third ring.

“You never told me you like cuddling after sex.” Trixie wants to sound angry but instead her voice is shaking and she just sounds hurt. There’s tears collecting in the corners of her eyes and she tries to blink them away. She’s too drunk and she’s reacting way too impulsively and she regrets the call already.

“What? Trix? Where are you? Are you ok?” Katya’s voice is thick with concern and it just makes everything even worse.

“I’m on my way home,” Trixie brings out between sobs.

“Are you crying? What happened? Are you ok? Trixie?!” Katya’s voice is shrill with panic now.

Trixie takes a few deep breaths. She’s overreacting. Nothing is going on, Katya loves her. She loves her. It’s fine, they are fine.

“Just a bit drunk and emotional. It’s fine,” she says.

There’s a pause at the other end and Trixie knows that Katya doesn’t believe her. She hears her let out a deep sigh. “Let me stay with you on the phone until you get home, okay? I need to know you’re safe.”

“Okay,” Trixie whispers and lets Katya’s voice lead her home.

And then there she is the next day. At Trixie’s apartment door, dark circles under her eyes and a worried expression on her face. Her hair is wet, she must have went home and showered before she came here. Trixie pulls her into her arms and holds her as tight as she can. Katya hesitates for a moment, unsure of what this is about, but then she pulls Trixie against her, their bodies pressed together.

_// You know I’ll fight my corner //_

Violet lets out a laugh and Trixie looks up from her plate.

“I asked for no mushrooms,” Katya says, sounding genuinely offended.

Violet grins at Katya while Katya stares at her burger bewildered and Trixie let’s out a laugh too. 

“Awww, is Kitty Kat upset that they put mushrooms on her burger anyway?” Violet cooes. _Kitty Kat?_ Trixie’s smile drops at the nickname. She had never heard Violet use it before. Katya is not showing any reaction to it and Trixie hopes that there’s no reaction because she is too preoccupied with her burger and not because she has heard it before.

“Swap burgers with me,” Katya says while reaching for Violets plate.

“What? No. Take Trixie’s.”

“Hers is vegetarian.”

“Mine has cheese.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s _my_ burger and _I_ like cheese. Get your hands off my plate,” Violet laughs while Katya is trying to grab her plate and Trixie doesn’t know what to think. They’re acting like an old married couple right now and those dynamics definitely hadn’t been there all along. She has been paying more attention to them since she had been at the club with Violet and it’s just confusing her more and more.

Katya finally gets ahold of Violets plate and takes the top bun of her burger off to shovel all her mushrooms onto Violet’s plate before handing it back to her and picking her burger up.

“Wait.” Trixie watched on in horror as Violet quickly slips her hand in between Katya’s mouth and the burger, slightly brushing Katya’s lips in the process. “There you go,” Violet says before dropping the mushroom into her mouth and picking her own burger up. Trixie looks at Katya, searching for any sign of discomfort or confusion but there was none. None. She just briefly glances at Violet with a thankful smile before finally biting into her own burger and Trixie wanted to just stand up and leave.

Katya must have noticed her bewildered looks. “Did you want the mushrooms? I thought those were the ones you didn’t like.”

“No, it’s fine.” Trixie presses out before giving her full attention to the burger, trying to ignore Katya’s gaze on her.

Trixie looks at Violet who looks as if she’s trying to press her entire burger into her mouth while also shovelling Katya’s mushrooms into her mouth in between bites.

“Are you trying to set a record or something?” Trixie grins.

Violet lets out a laugh, some food still in her mouth.

“Attractive,” Katya mutters under her breath with a grin.

“Shut up,” Violet lightly slaps Katya on the arm before looking at Trixie with a glint in her eye. “I have somewhere to be after this if you know what I mean.” She picks her burger up again and goes back to taking giant bites of it.

“Hot date?” Trixie asks with raised eyebrows while trying to ignore Katya’s hand that’s suddenly on her thigh.

Violet nods before swallowing. “Johnny is picking me up.”

“The guy from the club?” And Trixie doesn’t like the tone in Katya’s voice one bit.

Violet just nods again.

“Are you dating him?” Trixie asks and she’s a bit glad at this revelation.

Violet grins at her. “Well, ‘dating’ is a strong word. We don’t talk much,” she lets out a laugh and Katya digs her fingers into Trixie’s thigh. Trixie takes Katya’s hand away and Katya glances at her confused.

Johnny comes inside to get Violet and she slams some money on the table before standing up and letting herself be wrapped into his arms for a moment.

She quickly glances at Trixie and Katya. “So, bye.” She winks at them before grabbing Johnny’s hand and dragging them out of the restaurant.

“We should go too,” Katya says and leans against Trixie, letting her hand run up her thigh.

 

They are giggling while they’re stumbling into Katya’s apartment and Katya presses her lips onto Trixie’s hungrily. Trixie wraps her arms around Katya’s neck and pulls their bodies even closer. She tries to concentrate on right here, right now. On Katya’s hands slipping under her shirt. On her lips on her own, on her tongue dancing with Trixie’s, on the feeling of her skin under her touch.

_//give me love like never before//_

Katya leads them to the bedroom and fastly removes both of their shirts before ushering Trixie onto the bed and climbing on top of her.

She leans down and kisses her again with urgency. With a lot of urgency, like she has a goal in mind. Katya’s face when Violet left with Johnny is playing in Trixie’s head on repeat and Katya is pressing onto her so hard and her hands are digging into Trixie’s hips forcefully while Katya’s mouth is on her neck and it all feels off. Suddenly Katya’s hands feel foreign on her.

She gets ahold of Katya’s shoulders and gently pushes her away from her.

“Stop,” she says softly while letting her thumb brush over Katya’s bottom lip.

“What?” Katya asks while letting her hands run over Trixie’s sides. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Trixie lies. “I just… don’t want to do this now.”

Katya blinks at her confused a few times. “Okay.”

Trixie crawls away from under her and gets out of the bed to grab her shirt.

Katya’s eyes follow her every move. “You don’t have to leave, you know?”

“I know, but I want to.”

Katya gets up from the bed and takes Trixie’s hands in her own. “Are we… Okay?”

“Of course,” Trixie sighs, running her thumb over the back of Katya’s hand.

“Then what is this about?” Katya sounds so small and insecure now and Trixie almost wants to tell her to forget about all this and for them to just lie in bed and to cuddle and to watch a movie.

“I just need to be alone and think.”

“Think?”

“Yes.”

Katya looks as if she wants to say more but decided against it. “Promise you’ll call me when you’re done thinking?” Her eyes are soft when she’s looking at Trixie and it’s messing with her mind.

“I will.” She squeezes Katya’s hands tightly and then she’s leaving her apartment.

She half expects Katya to ask her to stay, to tell her that they can talk, that she’s there for Trixie, but she just hugs Trixie tightly when they’re at the door and watches her leave.

  _// Give me love like her_

_'Cause lately I've been waking up alone //_

Trixie wakes up alone. She has been waking up alone all week and it’s a bit strange considering that Katya and her usually spend at least a few nights a week with each other. But Trixie has been making excuses all week. They had only seen each other three days ago for a quick lunch. And yesterday. But Violet had been there too. And Trixie hadn’t stayed long because even though Katya’s arm was around Trixie’s shoulder it had felt as if Katya was there with Violet. Trixie knew that they needed to talk about this. But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to hear about Violet, didn’t want to hear about them. Didn’t want to compare their relationship. Katya and her were fine.

‘Read U Wrote U’ was blasting in the background and Trixie was just about to get in the shower when she heard a knock on her door. She opened it to reveal Katya with a big smile that changed to a confused one when she heard the song.

“You’re actually listening to that?” she asked.

“Oh honey,” Trixie laughs, earning her an eye roll and a fond smile from Katya. “I told you that it’s in my workout playlist,” she answers before giving Katya a quick peck on the lips.

“I don’t see you working out though,” Katya smirked while entering Trixie’s apartment.

“I just came back. I’m about to take a shower.”

“Can I join?” Katya wiggles her eyebrows.

“Ehm, I’d rather you not,” Trixie laughs. “Last time you almost cracked your skull open.”

“It was fun until then.”

Trixie grinned. “Sure, but I’d rather avoid further injuries. So I’ll be back in a minute.”

When Trixie comes back from her shower, Katya was sitting on her couch and smiling at her phone.

“What are you smiling about?” Trixie asks while running a towel through her hair.

“Oh, Vi just sent me the photos from yesterday.” Katya hands Trixie her phone. There’s a few selfies the three of them had taken, the photo Violet took of Katya and Trixie and a selfie of just Violet and Katya that they must’ve taken after Trixie had left.

Trixie looks at the photo. Violet must have switched into Trixie’s seat once it wasn’t occupied anymore as her and Katya were both sitting next to each other, the red material of the booth visible behind their heads. Violet has been the one taking the photo, her back leaning against Katya’s chest and Katya has rested her head on Violet’s shoulder as they were both looking into the camera with small smiles on their faces. The photo looked weirdly intimate and Trixie has an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach when looking at it. She hands Katya her phone back.

“So how much longer did you stay after I left?”

Katya shrugs her shoulders. “A little while.”

“When did you get home?” Trixie asks.

Katya looked at her confused. “Like 3 a.m.?”

Trixie’s eyes widen. “You stayed there for three more hours? What did you even do for that long?”

Katya looks back at her with furrowed brows now. “We talked. Calm down, she’s still a bitch.”

Trixie feels taken aback for a moment. Why is Katya acting so defensive about this? Trixie crosses her arms over her chest. “I actually think she was really nice yesterday.”

Katya huffs and gets up from the couch. “Sure. Yeah… whatever.“ She says while walking towards Trixie’s kitchen to look into the fridge. “Do you want to order something to eat?”

_//Give a little time to me or burn this out//_

“Violet is coming here after.” Katya is wearing cigarette earrings and a cigarette necklaces combined with a wig she hadn’t teased very thoroughly and Trixie is once again in awe of the looks Katya chose to be in while filming.

“Again?” Trixie just needed a moment without Violet in the picture but that seemed to be impossible. She just needed to think but there was Violet, always showing up in Katya’s everyday life now, not giving Trixie any room to think.

Katya looks at her taken aback for a moment. “Ehm, yeah. She wanted to go thrift shopping.”

“Great.”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to go on yet another fun adventure with you and your ex?”

“My _ex_?”

“Hey,” Violet’s voice comes from the door. “I brought coffee.”

Violet approaches them and hands Katya a cup before turning to Trixie. “I didn’t know how much milk you take so I bought those too,” she said before handing trixie the coffee and some small plastic milk containers.

Trixie watches as Violet sits down in a corner and looks at her phone, her own coffee cup in her hand.

“Since when do you drink your coffee black?” Trixie asks.

“I don’t. She put milk in mine,” Katya answers before looking back at her phone.

“How considerate,” Trixie says and Katya looks back up with a confused expression on her face.

_// Give me love like never before_

_Cause lately I’ve been craving more//_

She wanted Katya to look at her the same way she looked at Violet. Trixie still didn’t know what exactly their dynamics were. Katya seemed to be endlessly fascinated and frustrated with Violet. Whatever it was, Violet had her full attention. And Trixie, well Trixie didn’t. And she wanted it. She wanted Katya to call her in the middle of the day to ask her what she was thinking about. She wanted her to send her good morning texts. She wanted her to cuddle her all night.

_// And it’s been a while but I still feel the same //_

And she couldn’t help but wanting the old times back when it was simpler. When they had just been friends. She loved Katya, loved her now, loved her then, loved sitting next to her, loved her voice on the phone, loved her laugh never failing to brighten Trixie’s day.

She had always loved all of this and she was sure she always would and she knew that Katya felt the same way. She knew that Katya loved her.

_// We’ll play hide and seek to turn this around //_

And yet, the smiles Katya gifted Violet with sent a pang to Trixie’s heart that she wasn’t sure she could ignore anymore.


	3. Katya: Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to tell you my dudes, but this is 4.4k which has to count for something. Leave comments and feedback and the such if you feel up for it! xx

**Katya: Friends**

 

_// We're not friends_

_Nor have we ever been //_

 

Katya took Violet's phone that Violet was handing her. They were in a restaurant in Manhattan that Violet had chosen. She had asked, no had demanded, that her and Katya met up. After all, Katya had already been in New York for four days and had not called Violet the minute she had gotten here which had resulted in Violet talking her into paying for desserts as redemption.  
Katya looked at the backstage photos from a photo shoot Violet had been at the previous day. Whether or not her outfit was revealing or nonexistent was debatable.

"You look good," Katya said while handing her the phone back.

Violet raised her eyebrows. "Good?"

Katya grinned at her. Violet, always fishing for compliments. "You look hot."

Violet smiled satisfied. "That's more like it. What do you like about them?" she continued with a sly smirk.

Katya let out a laugh. "You want me to give you a detailed list of what I like about your body? Are you trying to get me to try to charm you into sleeping with me?"

Violet laughed before smirking at Katya. "I'm not that easy. I do have standards."

"Which are?" Katya asked with raised eyebrows and a smirk.

Violet opened her mouth before closing it again. She locked eyes with Katya and lightly shook her head while smiling at her. "I don't know. But they're there alright?"

"I bet you would let me stick my dick into your butt right now if I'd try," Katya grinned.

Violet threw her head back in laughter before looking back at Katya, lightly shaking her head. "You really do know how to charm them, don't you?"

Katya raised her eyebrow at her with a smirk. "I thought I wasn't supposed to charm you."

Violet looked back at her with a devilish grin. "Well.." 

They looked at each other for a moment, awkward silence and tension between them and Katya wondered if she would ever be able to tell when Violet was joking.

Violet took a sip of her drink before smiling at Katya, the flirting tone in her voice and the predatory grin on her lips gone. "So what does it feel like to know you'll be living in New York for the next three months?"

 

_// We just try to keep those secrets in a lie //_

 

„Ahhh,“ Katya screamed before wrapping her arms around Trixie tightly and feeling Trixie do the same, both of them starting to lightly sway for a moment.

„Maury, you’re a man,“ Katya grinned while looking at Trixie once she moved out of the hug and closed Trixie’s door behind her. She squeezed Trixie’s upper arm tightly. „Are you letting the steroids do the lord's work, mama?“

Trixie let out a small laugh and Katya was so glad to finally be seeing her again. „Listen Maureen, I know you’ve only been gone for a month but I’m now successfully combining my manly manliness with the essence of legend, icon and star: Trixie Mattel," she laughed.

Trixie smiled at her again and Katya went for another hug. One month and only Skype and phone calls here and there just weren’t enough. 

„I missed you,“ Katya said into the hug.

„I missed you too.“

Trixie moved out of the hug again and smiled at Katya for a moment before walking into the kitchen, Katya following her suit.

"Did you see anyone? Fame? Pearl? Violet?" Trixie asked.

"Ehm, yeah. Violet.“ Katya wasn’t sure how to put it. Her and Violet had been seeing a lot of each other these days but she didn't want to share that with Trixie quite yet. "We hung out."

"Hung out. Is that what they call it these days?" Trixie laughed.

"It's not like that." And Katya wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t a sex thing.

"You didn't fuck her?"

"Well."

"Thought so. What is it with you and Violet? Isn't there some other vile whore you can dick down?"

"Who said I’m not?" She wasn’t. She spend way too much time with Violet and couldn’t be bothered with trying to dick down someone else. Or wanting to.

"Oh okay, okay, okay. So are you?" Trixie looked at her, a teasing smile on her face.

"...No."

"Why Violet though?"

"She has a really tight asshole.“

"Oh my god."

"Don't ask if you can't handle the answer," Katya grinned.

 

_// And friends don't treat me like you do. //_

 

“How do you know you don't like mushrooms if you haven't had them in years?” Violet asked with a grin.

“I just do.”

Violet shoveled some of the mushrooms on her fork and held it in front of Katya’s face. “Try.”

“No.”

“Try them.”

“No.”

“Come on try them.”

“Violet.”

“Katya.”

“No.”

Violet raised her eyebrows and grinned back at Katya before putting the mushrooms back onto her own plate. “Aw, is Kitty Kat afraid of mushrooms?”

“What the fuck? Did you just call me Kitty Kat?”

“Yes, because you did so amazingly in the Hello Kitty Challenge you know.”

“I'm going to fucking rip your guts out and wear them as a necklace.”

Violet smirked at her while chewing on her bite of pasta before swallowing it. “Whatever you say, Kitty Kat.”

“Violet.”

“Kitty Kat.”

“Stop.”

 

_// And if they find out, will it all go wrong?_

_And Heaven knows, no one wants it to. //_

 

"Hey." Katya places a small kiss on Trixie's lips and watches as Trixie closes the door behind her and walks over to the couch.

"Do you want to go hiking tomorrow?" Katya asks before sitting down next to her.

"We have to talk about Violet,” Trixie says and Katya feels her heart hammering in her chest.

“What do you mean?”

Trixie lightly scoffs. “You know what I mean.”

"I don't know what you're talking about. We're friends."

"Friends," Trixie laughs.

"Yes, friends." Katya doesn't know what to make out of Trixie right now. She looks tired. So fucking tired. The bags under her eyes are dark and she looks exhausted and worn out and maybe… defeated?

"Last time I checked friends don't fuck for months and stay in bed cuddling after," Trixie snaps and Katya feels her eyes widen.

"I don't know how... that's not.. we were just friends," she stammers.

"Regular sex, cuddles, phone calls when you don't see each other for a week? Sounds like a relationship to me, Barbara,” Trixie laughs dryly and her voice sounds heavy.

"How did you-"

"She told me."

"She did what?" Katya asks, panic in her voice. She was going to strangle Violet. She had no business to tell Trixie anything at all.

"Someone had to,” Trixie whispers while looking at the ground and keeping her distance to Katya. “I don't think she even realised I didn't know.”

"But why did she-" Katya didn't get it. Why did Violet have to tell Trixie?

Trixie cuts her off and her voice is louder now. "You don't get it do you? She was not the one that was supposed to tell me." Trixie’s voice and Katya’s heart break at the end of the sentence. 

Trixie was right. But telling Trixie about her feelings for Violet was not a conversation that was supposed to happen now, that was a conversation that should have happened last year. Katya feels a thousand things at once; Trixie being hurt because of her was sending a pang to her heart, the anger towards Violet was making her blood boil, the guilt she feels because deep down she knows that this was not on Violet, was nagging at her and most importantly just wanting to get out of this situation.

"It got weird last year with me and her but I don't know why this is relevant now." It’s relevant and she knows it. She is lying right to Trixie’s face. She has been lying to her about Violet the entire time and she thought that that would be for the best. Or maybe she just had not been ready to talk about it and then it was too late, she really doesn't know anymore.

"Are you..." Trixie stops herself.

"We're just friends. There's nothing going on now," Katya jumps in and Trixie stands up.

"Well, some people say that if you stay friends with an ex you either never loved them or you still do.” Trixie looks at her and she doesn't even look angry anymore, she just looks confused and hurt. “Which one is it, Katya?"

Katya stands up too and looks at Trixie and she doesn't know what to tell her. Trixie studies Katya’s confused and panicked face and her expression softens slightly. She lets out a sigh before moving a few steps away from Katya.

“Just, let me know when you figure it out or... I don't know.” Trixie drags her hands over her face and lightly shakes her head. “I‘ll be in Chicago for a few days now anyways.” She nods at Katya before leaving the apartment.

She can't lose Trixie. She can't. She doesn't know what she would do without her. She feels her breath getting stuck in her throat at the thought alone.

 

_// And friends shouldn't kiss me like you do._

_And I know that there's a limit to everything._

_But my friends won't love me like you. //_

 

The doorbell rang and Katya had to force herself to not run towards the door.  
She opened it and immediately pulled Violet into her arms. She had missed her. She had missed her too much for it only being a week. Violet stepped out of the hug and pulled her bags behind her. She came here straight from the airport. She could've went home and got changed and dropped her backs off but she came straight here and Katya was glad. 

"How was Paris?" Katya asked while Violet was closing the door behind her.

"French," Violet answered and before Katya could ask what kind of bullshit answer that was, Violet was attacking Katya's lips and Katya's body was on fire from where Violet touched her.

Katya moved her hand to the small of Violet's back and pulled her in further. She let her hand slide under Violet's shirt and felt her skin under her fingertips. 

Violet broke the kiss and moved her head into Katya's neck, placing a soft kiss on her jaw. Her hands were under Katya's shirt and she pulled it off in one swift motion before taking her own off and pressing their bodies together again, the skin on skin contact making Katya dizzy. She moved her hands to Violet's hips and pressed her against the wall firmly. She moved her leg in between Violet's and rolled her hips against hers.

Katya let her hand trail up Violet's torso while locking eyes with her. Violet's lips were slightly parted and her head was slightly tilted back while leaning against the wall and she looked back at Katya with so much desire that it felt a bit overwhelming. Katya grabbed the back of Violet's neck and pulled her face closer again and kissed her with need. Violet tangled her hand in Katya's hair and slightly pulled on it. 

Violet was rolling her hips against Katya's, making both of them moan. Violet moved her head and let it rest against Katya's neck. Katya dug her hands into the soft skin at Violet's hips while continuing to roll her hips against Violet's. She tilted her head slightly so her mouth was next to Violet's ear. 

"Fuck, I missed you," she said.

She could feel Violet smile against her neck before placing a soft kiss on Katya's skin. Violet loosened her grip on Katya's hair and let her hand slide to the back of Katya's neck, over her shoulder, over her collarbone and let it rest there against Katya's chest before slightly leaning back and locking their eyes. 

"I missed you too."

Katya pulled her in again and kissed her for a moment before grabbing Violet's hand and pulling her behind her towards the bedroom with urgency. 

Katya took her remaining clothes off and watched Violet do the same. Katya lied down on the bed and watched on in awe as Violet slowly got onto the bed, locked eyes with Katya and crawled on top of her.

She grabbed Katya's face between her hands again and kissed her roughly while grinding down on her, both of them moaning at the sensation of their erections rubbing against each other. 

Violet leaned away after a moment, grabbing the lube from the nightstand and lubed her own fingers up. Katya watched through hooded eyes as Violet stretched herself open, the sight so sensual that it made Katya go just a little bit insane. Violet looked at Katya while she was touching herself and Katya needed her, needed her now. Wanted her.  
Her dick was so painfully hard but she forced herself to not touch herself and to just watch on. 

Violet closed her eyes and threw her head back, fully and shamelessly giving into her own pleasure and Katya couldn't believe that she was letting her witness this. Violet let out another shaky breath before getting closer to Katya again. She leaned over Katya to grab the condoms but before she could reach for them, Katya pulled her face towards hers again.

"That was so fucking hot," she said against her lips. 

Violet smirked and leaned back again, finally grabbing the condom and putting one on Katya's length.  
Katya was so aroused and sensitive that even the smallest touch made her moan shamelessly.  
Violet let out a small laugh and then she was on top of Katya again, capturing her bottom lip between her teeth, biting down on it lightly. 

"Ready?" 

Katya just nodded. Violet lowered herself onto Katya while not breaking eye contact.  
She slowly started moving up and down and her breathing was becoming more ragged. Katya placed her hands on Violet's hips and held them up slightly, thrusting into Violet a few times and watching as Violet's back arched and mouth opened in pleasure. 

She kept her grip onto Violet's hips and pushed them over, now pinning Violet into the mattress. She started thrusting hard, fast, mercilessly into Violet. Both of their bodies were coated in sweat and the skin on Violet's hips felt hot under Katya's fingertips.

Katya breathed heavily alongside her thrusts. Violet looked up to her in pleasure and Katya thrusted harder while keeping her eyes fixated on her. 

Violet arched her back and tilted her head back, exposing her neck. Katya leaned down and licked from Violet's chest up her neck, right over her throat before grabbing Violet's face with one hand and connecting their lips again.

"Fuck, I'm so close," she murmured against Violet's lips before moving her hand towards Violet's dick and pumping it in rhythm to her thrusts, causing Violet to let out small moans.

Violet came all over their chests moments before Katya did. Katya leaned down and captured Violet's lips between her own and kissed her slowly and softly while letting her hand stroke over Violet's hair for a moment before she pulled out of her and rolled over next to her.

Violet smirked down at her own and Katya's chest. "Shower?"

Katya let out a laugh but followed Violet towards the bathroom. 

She looked at Violet while she was applying some ridiculously expensive body wash Violet had bought for Katya in Paris. "So? Paris?"

Violet laughed and somehow Katya thought she had never seen her more beautiful than now. She looked exhausted and her wet hair was plastered to her face and there was the fact that she was naked and that her body was right there.  
But that was not it, Katya thought. She looked so happy and Katya never wanted to see her look different than that. Violet smiled at her before answering. “So the first night we went to this fancy ass restaurant...."

 

_// Friends just sleep in another bed,_

_And friends don't treat me like you do. //_

 

Katya’s phone rings and she reaches for it next to her on the bed. The last person she wants to talk to right now. At 1 a.m.

“What?” Katya answers and she’s not even trying to hide her annoyance.

“Are you home?” Violet slurs.

“Yes, why?” But Violet has already hung up and there’s knocking on her door. Katya opens it and Violet stumbles in.

“Can't find my keys, gotta crash here,” she says and goes straight to Katya’s bedroom, shedding her shoes, jacket and shorts on the way. 

Katya looks after her for a moment, confused. " What the fuck you think you're doing. Sleep on the couch."

Violet’s head lifts up slightly between the covers and she looks at Katya with a grin."No your couch sucks. Remember that one time when we fucked on it? My back still hurts.”  
She plops her head back onto the mattress and Katya doesn't know what to do. “Kaaaat, come lie down with me." 

She slowly makes her way to the bed and lies down, making sure that there is as much space as possible between her and Violet.

Violet falls asleep immediately but Katya is not so lucky. She looks at her phone. 3 a.m. She looks back at Violet sleeping next to her. If this would've been last year she would wake her up now to talk to her. To her her voice, to feel her hand lazily circling Katya's chest, to feel her breath against her skin, to make her laugh.

But it's not last year. So she just looks at Violet sleeping and longs for something she can't have.

 

_// And then again, if we're not friends,_

_There'd be nothing I could do, and that's why_

_Friends should sleep in other beds. //_

 

Katya can hear the rustling of sheets when Violet moves next to her. And she's so close that Katya can feel the heat radiating from her body. The close proximity is sending a shiver down Katya's spine. She doesn't know which feeling is more overwhelming; the wish that she wouldn't be feeling like this or the intensity of her need for Violet. She wants her body on her own, wants her fingers digging into Katya's chest, wants her hips rolling into Katya's, wants to fill her, wants to hear her need, wants to feel her soft skin under her fingertips, wants her hot breath on her neck, wants her laughter next to her ear again. Katya can feel her breathing becoming ragged at her thoughts and Violet must've noticed too.

"You're breathing weird, are you having like a panic attack or something?" she lazily drawls and Katya can hear how tired she is and her face is so close to Katya's shoulder that Katya can feel her breath hitting her skin.

She takes a deep inhale and tries to gather her thoughts for a moment.

Before she can answer, Violet is leaning slightly over her, concerned eyes and a hand on Katya's chest, right over her heart and Katya is sure that Violet can feel it hammering underneath her fingertips.

"Kat? Are you ok?" Violet softly strokes over her chest with what Katya assumes is supposed to be a comforting touch but it's making everything worse.

"Mhmm, I'm fine," Katya murmurs.

Violet doesn't stop her comforting strokes and Katya can feel herself relax into the touch. "Are you sure? You freaked me out there for a second.” Violet's voice is soft and sends a shudder through Katya's body.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep." She takes Violet's hand of her chest and she isn't sure but she thinks that she saw a look of hurt crossing over Violet's face.

"Fine," Violet sighs before bringing more space between her and Katya and turning her back to her.

Katya feels a bit guilty but this is what needs to happen. She can't keep having those feelings for Violet. Not when she's with Trixie. And yet, when she looks at Violet's back she wishes that she could just pull her onto her chest, to feel Violet's shallow breathing on her neck while she is falling asleep.

 

_// No one will find out if it all went wrong._

_They'll never know what we've been through. //_

 

Violet wakes up before Katya does the next morning but she accidentally knocks a bottle over, the sound waking Katya up. Katya gets out of bed and trots into her hall where the noise came from.

Violet hands her the water bottle. “Sorry, I didn't want to wake you. And ehm, sorry for crashing here. I’m sure Trixie doesn't approve.” Violet lets out a nervous chuckle and Katya has not slept for long and she is hurt and worried because Trixie is not calling her back and she should not have this talk with Violet now.

“I would tell her. If she would be talking to me.”

Violet looks at Katya confused. "Why isn't she talking to you?" Her voice is careful, obviously tensing the intense tone in Katya’s voice.

"Well I have you to thank for that."

"Me?" Violet raises her eyebrows "What do I have to do with that?" 

"Well for starters you told her about our thing last summer," Katya spats and she doesn't even know why she is so angry at Violet when she has only herself to blame.

Violet’s mouth drops open and she furrows her brows. "Our... thing?" And Katya knows that tone in her voice.

And she doesn't want to fight with Violet. And she doesn't want to fight with Trixie. 

She wants... she doesn't know what she wants.

"Why did you have to tell her? You could have just stayed out of my relationship. Did you have to hurt her?" Katya tries to keep her voice even through her anger or frustration or sadness or helplessness or whatever she is feeling right now.

Violet blinks at her and for the first time in forever Katya can't read her. She doesn't know what to make out of her body language, out of her looking at her before looking down and shaking her head lightly, out of her looking back at her now, a constructed neutral expression on her face.

She looks at Katya for a moment longer and her face turns into a twisted smile that sends a cold shiver through Katya's body.  
"I would never deliberately hurt someone. I thought you and I were the same like that. But I guess I was wrong."

Katya feels as if the breath is knocked out of her, she feels as if she is paralysed and watches helplessly as Violet grabs her jacket and storms out of Katya's apartment.

 

_// We're not friends, we could be anything._

_If we try to keep those secrets safe. //_

 

"I'm sure they'll love it."

Katya could hear Violet's breathing at the other end of the line. Always confident and collected Violet breathing heavily and freaking out and Katya found it just a little bit endearing. 

"I mean, I know it's perfect. Of course it is. But what if they are like.... idiots?" Violet asked.

Katya let out a loud laugh, earning her an amused look from Trixie that walked into the kitchen at that moment.

"It's going to be great and you know it. So stop," Katya said to Violet.

"I know, I know. I just... Want it to be perfect?"

"It will be." Katya watched Trixie go to the fridge and she was trying to hold her conversation vague and she didn’t know why.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Anyway, I miss you," Violet said and Katya swore her heart started beating faster. Violet's voice was more quiet now and Katya missed her a lot more than she should.

She glanced at Trixie who was getting a bowl now and sighed. "You too."

Violet let out a snort. "Vague. Who's there?"

Katya smiled and lightly shook her head before glancing at Trixie again. "Trixie."

Trixie looked at her and raised an eyebrow and Katya made a vague hand gesture, earning her another raised eyebrows and a small laugh from Trixie.

"Figures. Give her to me."

"No."

"What? Katya!" Violet laughed heavenly into Katya's ear while Trixie left the kitchen to sit on the couch.

"You just missed her," Katya said with a smirk.

"Whatever. When do you get back tomorrow?"

"Late. Well or early."

"Meaning?"

"Like 4 a.m.?"

"Ew."

Katya laughed again. "Yeah." 

"If I leave a key will you come stay at mine?" Violet asked, sounding quiet and a bit unsure now and Katya secretly loved it when she wasn't all confident and secure, loved it when she let her guard down.

"Leave it where? Under your doormat? In New York City?" Katya laughed.

"Well... no?"

"Where were you going to put it then?"

Violet didn't answer her but Katya could hear her breathing on the other end. "You were going to put it under the doormat weren't you?"

Violet let out a laugh. "I'm going to put it under the doormat, fuck you. I might get stabbed though."

"Maybe," Katya laughed alongside Violet for a moment. "I'm gonna be all disgusting and gross from traveling."

"Mhm, disgusting and gross, just my kind of girl. You should know that by now, Kitty Kat."

Katya couldn't help but to suppress the smile spreading across her face and turned her back to Trixie even though she wasn't even looking.

"Drop the Kitty Kat," Katya laughed quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow night then?"

"Yes. See you then." Katya could hear the smile in Violet's voice and she was sure she was grinning like an idiot now. "Anyway," Violet laughed. "Tell Trixie I say hi. So ehm, bye?"

Katya snorted "I will. And bye," Katya laughed before putting her phone away again.

 

_// Your eyes will lead me straight back home. //_

 

Violet turned around and looked at Katya confused and disoriented and it was so adorable Katya wanted to save it in her mind forever.

"I didn't want to wake you up. I'm sorry," she said.

"You're back," Violet said. 

She looked half asleep as she was moving closer to Katya.

Violet draped her arm around Katya and tangled their legs and inhaled deeply before nuzzling her head onto Katya's shoulder.  
And Katya pulled her closer and and rested her head on top of Violet's and closed her eyes and she was in too deep. 

She was batshit crazy- head over heels- no way out of it- in love with Violet.  
And even if she wanted to, there was nothing she could do about it.

 

_// No, my friends won't love me like you do._

_Oh, my friends will never love me like you. //_


	4. Violet: Almost Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A 5.6k chapter. Are some of the scenes unnecessarily long? Maybe (yes?). (The first scene is literally 2.3k alone, 2.3k of gentle soft Vatya, y’all. I just needed that… but like...it’s long) But I do like this chapter and I hope you do too.

**Violet: Almost Lover**

 

_// Your fingertips across my skin //_

••• Violet came back from the bathroom, still naked, the morning sun painting the bedroom in a golden shimmer, and now was the time she would put on her clothes and leave. Only that she didn't want to.  
She climbed over Katya and back under her blanket instead.  
Katya raised an eyebrow at her but didn't say anything when Violet rested her head on her shoulder and instead angled the laptop so they both could see.

About ten minutes later Violet moved her hand on top of Katya's chest.  
She let it rest there for a few moments. After no protest from Katya, she slightly moved her fingertips over Katya’s skin. She could feel her heart hammering under her fingertips. 

Violet was nervous and she didn't even know why. They had been in bed naked so many times before.  
And yet this felt different.

She kept on moving her fingertips and Katya moved her arm behind Violet's back, pulling her a bit tighter against her own body.  
Violet let her hand slide from Katya's chest over her stomach and she didn't know where exactly she was going with this or why she felt light headed. 

They didn't do this. They didn't stay in bed. They didn't just hook up again in the morning. They didn't stay in bed cuddling and watching some show. They just didn't. But Violet wanted that now.

She was pretty certain that she was in love with Katya at this point and she didn't know what to do about it. All she knew was that she didn't want to let the moment go.

Her finger was drawing lazy patterns on Katya's stomach now and she could feel Katya's breathing against her skin and her own heart hammering in her chest.

They had fucked before. They had fucked last night. Violet had seen Katya completely exposed and Katya had seen Violet completely defenceless at her touch.  
But somehow this felt more intimate than any of those late at night encounters and Violet wondered if she was crossing a line. She wondered if she cared. 

Lying in bed with Katya, her arm around her, her skin on Violets, her breaths on her neck, just felt right and if there was a small chance that Katya felt the same way one of them had to do something about it. 

Violet kept staring at the screen without any of the scenes reaching her brain while her hand kept stroking over Katya's stomach.  
Violet moved her hand further down, her fingertips now lightly dancing over the skin at Katya's lower abdomen and Katya took a sharp inhale of breath while her fingers momentarily dug into Violets back. And then everything happened all at once. 

Violet paused the show, grabbed the laptop with one hand and rested it on the other side of the bed without looking at Katya. She lifted Katya's blanket up and moved her body on top of hers, straddling her.  
She locked eyes with Katya while letting her hands run over her chest and abs once. They looked at each other for a moment, neither of them saying anything and Violet leaned down slowly. She felt Katya's hand at the back of her neck pulling her fully down and catching her lips in between her own and Violet felt herself melt into the touch, so much softer and sweeter than she was used to with Katya.

Katya’s thumb kept softly stroking over the back of Violet’s neck and Violet slowly moved her hands over Katya’s sides, feeling her shudder at her touch.  
The kiss was gentle and slow and sweet and it was all a bit too much. Katya’s lips were soft against hers and Violet felt as if one wrong move could ruin everything.

Katya moved away a few inches and Violet opened her eyes only to meet Katya’s looking at her almost calculating. Violet knew this was her chance to stop what was happening, to somehow, someway steer this back to their no strings attached hook ups.

Katya’s hand was still at the back of her neck while the other one softly stroked over Violet's leg.  
Katya looked up to her carefully and Violet’s heart hammered in her chest at the realisation how very risky this was. This wasn't casually fucking anymore. This wasn't fuck buddies banging one out. This was… frankly she didn't know what it was.

But then Katya's face turned into a small smile and Violet felt herself relax. She smiled back at Katya while letting her hands run over her hips.

Katya had three small freckles over her right hipbone that Violet had never noticed before. They lined up like a triangle and she didn't know what to with that information but she let her fingertip brush over each of them in awe, Katya's eyes on her and her hand lightly stroking over Violet's upper leg.

Katya’s hand reached over Violet and removed the blanket from both of their bodies before softly pushing against Violet’s hips to get her to roll over.

“Careful,” Violet said when she felt her shoulder touching the laptop she had put there a few moments earlier.

“Yeah,” Katya said before reaching for it and placing it next to the bed.

She turned back to Violet and Violet could tell how very nervous she was.  
Katya leaned back down to her, pressing both of their bodies together and Violet could feel both of their erections between them.

Katya kissed her again, a bit rougher than previously but still so much softer than she usually did and it was messing with Violet's mind.

Katya moved her head to Violet’s neck and Violet could feel her hot breath and her tongue on her skin slowly making it's way down.  
She circled one of Violet's nipples while she softly tugged on the piercing at the other one, making Violet gasp at the sensation and she wanted to remember feeling, hearing, seeing everything.  
She heard her own shallow breathing, felt her heart hammering in her chest, Katya's erection touching Violet’s leg, her own digging into Katya’s stomach, Katya’s tongue on her skin, Katya's hair looking almost golden in the sunlight.

Katya moved further down and then her tongue slowly licked over Violet’s length and Violet let out a string of profanities that made Katya laugh lightly.  
She moved her mouth around Violet’s dick, sucking on it lightly while pumping the rest with her hand and Violet threw her head back in pleasure. Her hand found its way to Katya’s head and grasped some of her hair before moving to the back of Katya’s neck, slowly stroking over the skin there and digging her fingers into it. The pace Katya’s lips moved around her with was slow, torturous, delicious and Violet lost herself in the moment.

And then the sensation was gone again and Violet opened her eyes and looked at Katya who had moved away slightly and had grabbed the lube and condoms from the nightstand where they still rested from the previous night.  
She locked eyes with Violet when she leaned back down and stopped her movements. She dropped the condom and lube on the bed next to them and brought her face back to Violet’s. Katya stroked some hair out of Violet's face and leaned down again with a smile. She kissed Violet carefully, slowly, as if she had all the time in the world and if Violet could, she would spend all the time she had in this moment.

She grabbed onto the back of Katya's neck and pulled her in for another kiss, her mouth opening immediately and granting Katya’s tongue entrance. She tasted faintly like mint and Violet wondered if Katya had gotten up after waking to brush her teeth and somehow that thought made Violet smile.

“What?” Katya asked while moving her head a bit away from Violet’s again.

“You taste like mint,” she said while letting her fingertips dance over Katya’s back.

Katya let out a small laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners and she looked so beautiful now. “So do you,” Katya said with a smile while her thumb softly ran over Violet's bottom lip.  
Violet let out a small laugh too and Katya joined in again for a moment. The whole situation a bit surreal.

She dug her fingers into Katya’s neck and her movements were filled with more need now. Violet broke the kiss for a moment to lock eyes with Katya. She wanted her, needed her and she looked so beautiful in the morning sun.  
The golden light made her skin and even the fake L.A. tan Violet normally found a little bit ridiculous, look soft and smooth and she could see the muscles in her upper arm. She moved her hand to Katya’s arm for a moment, marveling at the contrast of their skin tones for a moment.

Katya followed Violet’s gaze and let out a quiet laugh. “You’re so pale.”

Violet shook her head slightly, a smirk on her face. “Not everyone can look so fucking ridiculously Hollywood, bitch.”

Katya softly stroking over Violet’s hips, a stupid grin on her face. “Well, Violet, it’s a privilege, not a right,” she murmured before catching Violet's lips in a hungry kiss while grinding her hips against Violet’s, making both of them moan into each others mouths.

Katya leaned away from Violet and grabbed the lube and condoms she had previously dropped onto the bed and lubed up three fingers. Violet moved her legs so that Katya would have easier access to her ass. At least this was familiar territory now, though Violet was sure she would never get fully over how good sex with Katya was.

Two of her fingers were inside her now, scissoring her open, while her eyes stayed focused on Violet’s face. Katya’s finger inside her were hitting all the right spots and Violet was moaning a bit too much while Katya was looking down at her with a self satisfactory smirk on her face. Violet watched Katya watching her through hooded eyes until Katya pulled her fingers out of Violet and smeared the lube onto Violet’s leg, causing Violet to snort and Katya to laugh.

“So? Ready?” Katya asked, the smile still on her face.

“Totally,” Violet said while a grin was spreading over her entire face and she wasn't exactly sure why this situation was so ridiculously stupid but… comfortable?

Katya lightly shook her head while laughing. “Stop,” she said before leaning down and kissing Violet for a short moment and Violet could feel Katya smile into the kiss before she broke it and moved to rip open a condom wrapper.  
She rolled a condom on her length before sinking back down and pushing inside Violet, causing both of them to hiss at the sensation.

Katya started to move inside of Violet while her hands were firmly on her hips and Violet looked at Katya moaning and closing her eyes in pleasure while her own breath was getting shallow at the sheer pleasure she was feeling.  
Violet reached for Katya and pulled her in, Katya now leaning onto her arms on either side of Violet.

"I'm so glad someone introduced you to the concept of showering,” Katya said just before her face was touching Violet’s. Violet rolled her eyes and dug her fingernails into Katya’s back while Katya let out a small laugh.

"I'm so glad you have eyebrows again," Violet smirked, causing Katya to grin before lightly biting into Violet’s shoulder. She moved back and placed a small peck on Violet’s lips before plunging into her hard. Both their moans filled the room when Katya kept increasing force and speed constantly and Violet felt waves of pleasure rolling through her body while her fingers dug into Katya’s neck now. Katya had buried her face between Violets head and shoulder again now and Violet could feel her breath hitting her skin, her hand on the back of Violet’s neck, grasping a fistful of hair tightly while she was moving inside of her.

Violet turned her head so it was next to Katya’s neck and bit into the skin there, causing Katya to hiss. “Fuck Katya, so good,” Violet moaned against Katya’s skin, her fingernails now scratching over the skin on Katya’s neck and back.

“So close, Vi,” Katya murmured before lifting herself up and grabbing Violet’s jaw with one hand to capture her lips in a fast kiss. Then she leaned further back, her hands now roughly grabbing onto Violet’s hips to hold her in place while she repeatedly plunged in and out of Violet with force.

Violet moved her own hand around her own dick to pump herself in rhythm to Katya’s thrusts while keeping her eyes locked with Katya’s and this was a strange sensation now, actually locking eyes with someone, no not someone, locking eyes with _Katya_ , while she came inside Violet her body trembling, her eyelids fluttering, her lips parting. Violet pumped herself a few times more and then her own orgasmn washed over her while she kept her eyes still locked with Katya's. Katya leaned down again and kissed Violet softly for a moment before slowly moving out of her.

She stroked a strand of Violet’s sweaty hair out of her face while smiling at her lightly. “You should stay for pre breakfast fucks more often.”  


Violet let out a laugh. “Maybe I will.”

Katya kissed her again, this time with more force while letting her hand softly run over Violet’s chest. “I hope so,” she whispered against Violet’s lips. •••

 

_// I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be? //_

Violet stares at her phone screen in disbelief a bit longer until she finally picks up.

“Ugh, finally,” Trixie fucking Mattel’s voice sounds from the other end.

“Hello to you too.”

“So… how are you?” Trixie tries to make her voice sound light and Violet has to suppress an eye roll.

“What do you want?”

“Charming as ever.” There is a pause before Trixie speaks again. "So... this is weird but can you tell me if Katya is fine?"

Of course. Of fucking course Trixie would call Violet because of Katya. "No. We're not talking. Ask her yourself." She doesn’t need to be any more involved in their mess than she already is.

"Why aren't you talking?" And Trixie sounds confused and… worried?

"We fought. Whatever."

“Violet, what happened?” And if Katya had told her the truth, Trixie doesn't know that drunk Violet had so little impulse control that she showed up at her ex-something’s house at three in the night and Violet doesn’t want to be the one to tell her.

“Can’t you like… ask her?”

"I don't want to talk to her right now.” Trixie lets out a frustrated groan. “Can you please at least check up on her?"

"What the fuck, Tracy? No. You'll have to talk to her eventually."

“Maybe. Just at least go there if you’re not telling me whatever happened to make you two fight.” And Trixie sounds annoyed and hurt now and Violet feels herself soften a bit.

“Fine.”

There was another pause and Violet could practically hear Trixie’s brain rattling. “Why do you think she didn't tell me about… last year?”

“I don't know. Maybe she felt like being an asshole.”

Trixie lets out a snort. "I think she genuinely thought she was protecting me with not saying anything. And you too."

"Please. The only one she was protecting was herself and-"

"But I don't think she meant to hurt anyone."

"Well, obviously not, it's still Katya after all. But she had to know. There's no way she couldn't have known that it was wrong. She was just too damn scared. She's always so scared about shit like that."

"I know."

“Yeah.”

“I will talk to her when I’m back.”

“Good.” Violet doesn't know what else to say. “Where are you?”

“Chicago. I’ll be back in two days.” There is another pause but neither of them hangs up.

"Remember when you hated me during season 7?" Violet asks suddenly.

Trixie lets out a screaming laugh right into the speaker and Violet wonders if her eardrum got damaged. "God. You annoyed me so much. Bratty, entitled, smelly show off." They both laugh through their sadness for a moment until Trixie speaks again. "Simpler times."

Violet lets out a sigh. "Yeah." She stays quiet for a moment. Unsure about what to say next. What really was there left to say anyway? "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"I don't know. For telling you I guess? It wasn't my place."

"Someone had to be honest and it obviously wasn’t going to be Katya." 

"I should've called her,” Violet says without thinking. “Last year I mean."

There is a pause at the other end and when Trixie speaks again her voice sounds weird. "I guess. Just... just check on her. Please."

 

_// I cannot wake up in the morning_

_Without you on my mind //_

••• Violets Alarm went off and she lazily opened her eyes to turn it off. She was tired. This summer was supposed to give her more rest and more sleep but instead she was constantly staying awake half the night to have sex with Katya or to talk to her. And yet, Violet felt more calm and more at peace than she had in awhile so she couldn't even regret the lack of sleep.  


She slightly turned to her side and looked at Katya who was still sleeping and Violet wasn't sure she actually ever seen her fast asleep before.

She just looked at her, looked at her closed eyes, her lashes barely visible, her lips slightly parted, her face so relaxed and listened to her shallow breaths.

Violet’s second alarm went off and this time Katya did wake up. She tiredly blinked a few times and she looked so cute in her confusion that Violet couldn't help but smile.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey,” Katya replied before her eyes fluttered shut again.

Violet lifted Katya’s blanket up and slipped under it, letting her head rest on her shoulder, face pressed onto her neck. Katya draped her arm around Violet and sighed and Violet closed her eyes.  
Another alarm went off and she should really start getting ready soon. Instead she turned to her side while still staying pressed to Katya.

“Are you leaning your disgusting ass on me?”

Violet let out a quiet giggle and pressed a small kiss on Katya's hand. “You know I need the skin on skin contact, Kitty Kat.”

Katya laughed lightly. “I see,” she said before turning to her side too, wrapping her arms around Violet from behind, placing a small kiss on her shoulder.

Violet closed her eyes for a brief second and her fourth alarm went off and she really couldn't ignore it anymore. She turned around in the embrace, her nose almost touching Katya’s.

“I have to get ready,” she said while looking at Katya who kept her eyes closed and looked more asleep than awake.

“Where do you have to go?”

“I have a meeting downtown. What about you?”

“Nothing today, they're giving me a day off. Can you believe it?” Katya murmured.

Violet let out a quiet laugh. “I won't be long, will you stay here?”

Katya opened her eyes now and looked at her, her hand softly stroking over Violet’s naked back. “You sure?”

Violet cupped Katya’s cheek with her hand and grazes over her lip with her thumb. “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Violet leaned down to press a soft kiss on Katya’s lips, ignoring both of their morning breaths and moved to stand up. Katya's grip on her tightens.

Violet let out another laugh and turned to Katya. “Let me go you idiot. I'll be late.”

Katya grumbled but let Violet move out of the hug, her eyes staying on her. “Hurry up and come back to bed because I'm gonna stay right here and not move at all.”

“Okay.” Violet smiled at her before leaving the bed and getting her clothes for the day before heading for a quick shower. She would have to eat breakfast on her way but she couldn't bring herself to be mad about that. •••

 

_// My back is turned on you_

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache //_

She is trying to stay away. She has been trying the whole time since she had gotten to L.A.

She even found a random dude to hook up with. Sure she can barely hold a conversation with Johnny but he is good enough in bed and easy on the eyes.

But he isn't Katya. No one else is. No one else would know Violet like Katya does.  
No one else would know how Violet sometimes wishes she would be easier to approach, no one else would know how she is secretly scared that she won't be able to keep the level of perfection of her work up, no one else would know how she loved up all nights with Katya, no one else would know how happy Violet had been a year ago.

So she can’t stay away. Can't say no when Katya asks her to come to a restaurant, can't stop herself but send things that remind her of her to Katya, can't stop staring at Trixie and Katya when they are together.  
Can't ignore the pang in her heart, sending her back to reality every time.

 

_// I never want to see you unhappy //_

••• There was no real reason for Violet to be at Katya’s apartment other than that Katya had asked her to come.  
Violet looked at her now, sitting at the kitchen table reading some scripts or contracts or whatever the network had given her.

Meanwhile Violet was sitting on the couch, some documentary about Greek mythology or something on TV while she was scrolling through Instagram and drinking a too thick smoothie Katya had made.

Violet didn't know how much time had passed, she had switched from Instagram to Twitter to Instagram to her messages to Twitter and back to Instagram when Katya let herself drop next to Violet on the couch.

“Sorry,” she said and she looked so tired. Violet moved her fingers through Katya’s unstyled, messy hair.

“It's okay.”

“I’m a business woman after all.”

“Yes, you are,” Violet grinned.

Katya let out a small laugh before leaning closer to Violet and grabbing her face between her hands, pressing their lips together.

Violet’s hands slipped under Katya’s shirt and stroked over her back for a moment while Katya’s thumb was softly moving over Violet’s jaw.  
Violet moved slightly so that Katya was between her legs, her upper body pressed onto Violet’s now and deepened the kiss while letting her hand run through Katya’s hair again.  
A shudder was going through Violet’s body when Katya stroked her hands along her sides for a moment until leaning back slightly, smiling down at her while moving some of Violet’s hair out of her face. She placed another small peck on to Violet’s lips and leaned back slightly.

Violet moved again, getting herself into a more comfortable position, her back now fully leaning on the couch. Katya turned around and leaned her back against Violet’s chest while Violet put her hands around Katya and felt Katya grabbing both of Violet’s hands to intertwine their fingers. Katya’s head dropped back against Violet’s shoulder and she let out a small sigh before completely focusing onto the still going documentary.

“The Greek gods were creative. There was this one chick that fed her own son to her husband as revenge.”

Violet laughed and listened to Katya talk about Greek gods and myths and murder while letting her thumb slowly run over the back of Katya’s hand.

And Violet loved her.

She loved Katya in all the different ways she let her see her.

Loved her being so out there and loud and laughing and winning an entire crowd.

Loved her quiet and deep in thought and all her defences down.

Loved her now, enthusiastically babbling on about Greek gods and their revenge and incest, looking tired but happy. •••

 

_// I thought you'd want the same for me //_

She can't believe that she was actually going through with going to see Katya because Trixie asked her to.

The thing is, she somehow feels as she owes it to Trixie now. She isn't entirely sure why. This isn't her mess. It’s Katya’s.  
But through some twist of fate she had somehow gravitated towards Katya again. And where there is Katya there is Trixie.

It had been easy to forget that last year while Trixie had only been a name on a phone screen that made Katya smile like an idiot.

Okay, maybe it hadn’t been easy to forget but it had been easier to ignore.

But Violet is painfully aware of the Trixie and Katya dynamic now. Katya and Trixie. Trixie and Katya. _Always Trixie and Katya._

Except not. Because Violet is here now.

And yes there is anger, fury even, there is confusion, there is tension, there is blame. And then there is guilt.

She figures that guilt made her text Katya to ask if she had time, figures that guilt brought her to Katya’s door once again.

 

_// And when you left you kissed my lips_

_You told me you would never, never forget //_

••• Violet half dragged half carried two of Katya’s bags down the stairs and mentally cursed herself for living in a building without elevator. It had been exhausting to carry all of Katya’s stuff up there last Monday but at least then it had meant that Katya had extended her stay for another week (well and that her short term rented New York City apartment had already been rented out again). Now it meant that she was leaving. Violet looked at her now, helping the taxi driver to load all the bags into the trunk of the car and Violet couldn't believe that this was it now.

Katya moved back to Violet once all the bags were stored away. There was a small smile on her face when she carefully pulled Violet into a short hug. She didn't say anything. They had talked all night, had talked all weekend.  
Katya moved out of the hug. 

“When I first met you I wanted to kill you,” she said in a deadpan voice before a small laugh escaped her.

“What?” Violet couldn't help but to join into the laugh for a moment, everything a bit too surreal anyway.

“Yup. I saw all your fucking dresses and I wanted to kill you, fuck you, marry you and be your best friend at the same time although that was a little tough ‘cause you were a total bitch.”

“Hm,” Violet hummed for a moment and there’s a small smile on her face now which is good because otherwise there would be tears. “Thanks.”

Katya laughed for a moment, her eyes closed, before she locks them with Violet’s. “But I like you now, Violet Chachki. I really do.” And there was sadness in her eyes Violet didn't want to see.

She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around Katya’s shoulders while pressing her face to her neck and she had to press her eyes shut to not cry. She had reminded herself that Katya was going to leave every day for the entire week and yet she hadn't been prepared. "Text me when you land,” she said against Katya’s neck while feeling Katya’s arms tight around her waist. “Or call. Call me whenever."

"You too,” Katya answered and her voice sounded thick. “The calling I mean not the landing part." She let out an awkward laugh and Violet pulled her tighter. They stayed in the hug for a little while longer without saying anything, what else was there to say anyway?

Violet hesitantly moved out of the hug and felt Katya let go too. She grabbed Violet’s hands for a moment before walking towards the car.

She opened the door and turned around with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Well, bye."

"Bye,” Violet echoed and then Katya was gone. •••

 

_// So now you're gone and I'm haunted_

_And I bet you are just fine //_

“Hey,” Violet says when Katya opens the door and looks at her weird. She must be confused as to why Violet came. She didn't exactly leave on good terms the last time she was here.

“Hey.”

“I forgot my wallet.” Violet puts her jacket on a chair but stays in the hall. She doesn't want to go and sit down on the couch or pretend everything is fine, she wants this to be over and done with as soon as possible. She’s here for her wallet. And because of Trixie. And the guilt.

“Oh,” Katya says now, her eyes on Violet and she looks so sad and tired. “Of course.” Katya leaves for a moment and comes back to hand Violet her wallet.

“Thanks.” Violet looks at Katya and Katya looks at Violet and Violet feels unsettled. She drops her gaze to the ground and lets out a sigh. “Trixie called me.”

There’s silence and the moment stretches on for too long.

“Why?” Katya’s voice sounds unsure, maybe even fearful now.

“She wanted me to check in on you.”

Katya lets out a breath and Violet finally looks back at her. “Why couldn't she call me herself?” She looks confused now and Violet can hear the hurt in her voice and this is all a bit too much. She never asked for any of this.

“I don't know.” And Violet just wants to leave, she doesn't want to be some kind of messenger for Trixie and Katya. Trixie asked her to check in on Katya and she has done that now. Katya seems fine, at least physically. But still, Violet doesn't leave. She needs to know. “Why did you even get together?”

Katya holds Violet’s gaze for a moment and Violet knows her well enough to know that the emotions under her carefully constructed face of neutral are raw. “I don't think that is a conversation we should have.”

Violet lets out a bitter laugh. “Seems like there’s a lot of conversations you don't think you should have with people these days.”

Katya stares at her for a moment before looking at the ground. “We got together because it felt right.” She looks back up to Violet, as if expecting her to interrupt her but Violet doesn't, she wants to hear this, no, not wants, needs to. Katya lets out a sigh.

“She’s my favorite person.” That hurts, it’s nothing new and to be expected but Violet still doesn't appreciate hearing it. “So we were watching a movie a couple months back and it was late and we were tired and cuddly anyway.” And that hurts a bit more now, Violet knows how cuddly Katya can get when she is tired but somehow she had gotten into her head that Katya only acted on it with Violet, but apparently not. “And then we kissed.” Katya looks at Violet carefully now, as if trying to read her but Violet keeps her face cold. Katya lets out a shaky sigh before continuing. “And it felt nice to be close to her like that. Very nice. It felt right at the time.” And Violet is sure she looks crazy now with how hard she’s trying to not show any emotions. “She’s my best friend,” Katya says in a shaky voice and Violet feels anger rising up in her. 

She hates seeing Katya hurt, she hates hearing Trixie’s unsure voice at the other end of the phone call, hates that she has cried over Katya. She hates this entire mess and she knows that it isn’t all on Katya, relationships don’t work like that, but it’s easier, always easier to lash out.

"You shouldn't have let me in," Violet is trying to keep her voice as free of any sign of emotion as possible and Katya looks unsure of what to do.

"What was I supposed to do? Leave your drunk ass wandering around the city at 3 a.m.? You would've gotten yourself stabbed." And Katya sounds a bit angry now.

"I had money with me I would've been fine."

"Why did you come here then?" Katya's voice is calmer now but her facial expression is unreadable.

"I don't know," Violet hates how small she sounds. She slightly shakes her head. "You shouldn't have let me in."

"What was I supposed to do?" Katya crosses her arms over her chest and looks at her with furrowed brows. They are going in circles.

_// Did I make it that easy_

_To walk right in and out of my life? //_

"You should've called," Violet's voice cracks and this wasn't about Violet staying the night anymore. It had never been about now.  


Katya looks as if the air got knocked out of her. She stares at Violet with wide eyes for a moment before looking down at the ground, her arms now on her side. "You should've too," she whispers.

Violet looks at her, looks at her avoiding Violet's eyes. "If I ever knock on your door at 3 a.m. again, do us both a favour and don't bother opening it."

Katya stares back at her now. "You don't mean that."

She doesn't. "I do." Violet grabs her jacket and walks out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her.

 

_// Goodbye, my almost lover_

_Goodbye, my hopeless dream //_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated! xx


	5. Trixie: Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya opens the door and slams her body into Trixie’s, forcefully.
> 
> It makes it harder. But Trixie holds on for a moment. Holds on, holds on, holds on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: shout out to Kitty who's like helping so much with dynamics!!
> 
> So, without further ado: Welcome to Painville where everything hurts and nothing is nice. 
> 
> Also this is a very Trixya heavy chapter... I really played myself this time cause this hurt, not gonna lie this hurt.  
> Feel welcome to scream at me in the comments.
> 
> I honestly think this is simultaneously the best and worst thing I've ever written. .... enjoy? Xx

**Trixie: Say Something**

_// I'll be the one //_

••• Trixie was afraid. No, she was scared out of her fucking mind. 

She had had sex with Katya last night. Katya. Out of everyone.  
She didn't even know how that happened. She didn't even realise that she had those kind of feelings for Katya but apparently she did.  
Because now all she could think about was Katya and how beautiful she looked in the dimly lit room, leaning over her before her lips touched Trixie's. 

And she didn't know how people did this. Hook up with people they're friends with and act casually around each other afterwards. She had always been confused by it, wondered how they were always able to keep love out of it. Seeing Katya completely lose herself in Trixie once had been enough for her to be a goner. The way Katya did everything with such intensity, was so forcefully present in the moment had shaken Trixie to the core and she knew that she couldn't just brush that off.

But Katya wasn't like Trixie. If Katya could sleep with Violet, beautiful, intriguing, bitchy but somehow endearing Violet, time and time again over the cause of years and yet still dismiss her as rotted cunt at the end of the day, if Katya could fuck Willam and forget to even tell Trixie about it, if Katya could have two random West Hollywood bottoms as regular fuck buddies at the same time, how would she feel about Trixie after one night of whatever happened last night. 

A one night stand? An out of the moment hook up? Maybe something more? Trixie barely knew where she stood and doubted that Katya was any surer.

All Trixie could pinpoint with certainty was that she didn't want to regret it, couldn't regret it.

Not when Katya's body felt like that on her own, not when she knew what that mouth could do, not when she knew how Katya's lips felt so good on her own. • 

 

_// If you want me to//_

• And Trixie was a bit confused. She wasn't even sure as to when her now painfully obvious feelings for Katya had started.

She knew that everyone expected them to fall in love or whatever, fucking Trixya. The thing was though, Trixie hadn't expected them to. Neither had Katya, surely.

It was as if they were, almost too close to each other, in a way. Just straight up skipped any sexual tension and went straight to a sexless marriage, basically.

They had hugged, slept in the same bed, fucking kissed a few too many times without any romantic or sexual feelings for Trixie to even consider the possibility of Katya like that.

Katya knew Trixie and Trixie knew Katya. And if she was not mistaken, Katya was probably beating herself up about having kissed Trixie about right now.

There was a part of Trixie that was screaming at her to just let it go, to take a Katya approach to things for once: if you ignore important conversations hard enough they go away. But Trixie wasn’t Katya and Trixie knew that Katya’s bullshit rarely ever worked out for her.

There was also the fact that Trixie was a hopeless romantic and a delusional optimist when it came to love.  
And then there was the fact that Trixie had been looking for a deep emotional connection with someone she could love like that since… well always, almost.

She loved Katya; plain and simple. She loved Katya; complicated and exciting, familiar and safe.

The bottom line was, she didn't know if she could see a future with Katya, really. But she was willing to try, because she loved her, because Katya loved her. 

It was simple. 

It was complicated.

It was Trixie knocking on Katya’s door at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday night.

It was Katya opening the door and smiling at her and saying: “I knew you would come.“

It was Trixie, nervous. “I want to try this. But really. A relationship. If you want?“

It was Katya telling her that she was an idiot and “Yes, yes of course.“ and “I love you.“

It was complicated. Katya and Trixie.

It was simple. Trixie and Katya. •••

 

_//Anywhere, I would've followed you//_

••• “Ah! You bitch!“ Katya jumped Trixie, literally. Katya’s legs wrapped around Trixie for a moment. “I’m climbing you like a tree. That's a bonding ritual.“

„Hello to you too,“ Trixie said, smiling at Katya before grabbing Katya’s face in her hand, harshly turning it to the side, to look at her neck. “Is that a hickey? At your age? That much action sounds awfully dangerous for a woman in her 70’s.“

Katya punched her in the arm before taking one of Trixie’s suitcases and began to walk, leaving the airport. “So how was the flight? How’s life? What did I miss?“

“The flight was shit. You were in L.A. a week ago and we talked on the phone two days ago, so you didn't miss much. Adore almost got her lips pumped again though, Courtney had to stop her. Willam punched someone.“

“So nothing new?“ Katya grinned and Trixie chuckled.

“Nope.“

Trixie was glad that she had decided to fly out to her New York gig early. If she was completely honest, she missed Katya a lot. Sure there were phone calls and Skype but she had been spoiled by Katya living 20 minutes away so a cross country flight sucked a little. 

Katya took Trixie out to a restaurant for lunch and babbled on about the network and told her that they would ask Courtney too. ‘Approachable Drag‘ Katya said and rolled her eyes and Trixie laughed.

“What will happen to UNHhhh? You gonna ditch me for the blonde bimbo?“ Trixie asked with a smirk.

“Oh mama! Never!“ Katya smiled at her softly for a moment. “I’m like a rash, you’re not going to get rid of me that easily.“ •

_// I know nothing at all //_

• They were sitting on the couch, Trixie tired and exhausted, Katya just happy.

“It's good. Their producers will meet with me next week,” Katya said now.

“A true career woman,” Trixie laughed and smiled at Katya, truly proud and happy for her. “You're happy?”

“I am. What about you, Tracy? How's the emotional thermostat?”

“Emotional thermostat,” Trixie repeated, lightly shaking her head. “It's good. Busy writing the next banger Country hit album as part time Dolly you know?”

“Yeah, the cowboy boots are a recurring theme. Staying true to modelling your drag after real life woman, I see.”

“Always,” Trixie grinned and Katya’s phone rang.

“Hey,” she said after picking up. “Woah, slow down. I-....- I have no idea what you're saying, can you-” Katya let out a frustrated sigh while listening to the other end for a moment. “Violet, I don't-” at that Trixie raised her eyebrows. Violet had Katya looking all concerned and frustrated? “Calm down, I still don't know what you're saying. I'm sure it's-...-Yes, I am but- Violet?” Katya took the phone of her ear and looked at Trixie. “She just hung up.” Katya shook her head a little, looking confused and Trixie laughed a little at Katya’s dumbfoundedness. “I think Violet is coming over.”

“That's-” Trixie started and the doorbell rang. “-lovely.”

Katya got up to buzz Violet in and Trixie kept talking. “I haven't seen Violet in ages.”

They locked eyes, Katya standing by the door, Trixie sitting on the couch. “She's upset,” Katya said and Trixie wasn't sure if that was an information, a warning or a plea to be nice, it sounded a bit like all three if Trixie was completely honest.

There was a knock this time.

Katya opened the door and Violet let her body crash into Katya's so forcefully, so trustingly, as if she wasn't even thinking about the possibility of Katya not catching her.  
Katya's arms wrapped around Violet so immediately, so surely, without even knowing what was going on. 

Trixie caught Violets eyes, red with tears or fury, and felt like an intruder.

"Trixie!" Violet said and moved away from Katya who kept her gaze on Violet. "I didn't... I didn't know you'd already be here. I thought you wouldn't arrive till tomorrow. Ehm," Violet rambled on while trying to subtly move her hand over her eyes. 

Violet didn't do vulnerability. Trixie knew that that wasn't true, Violet wasn't even close to the ice bitch she pretended to be, her warmth shone through way too much, way too often, to make her a believable ice queen.

Trixie knew that there were people Violet let in, there had to be, but it felt a bit weird to know that Katya was one of them; Katya, who was still looking at Violet, worry so evident on her face.

Violet walked towards the couch, opening her arms. Trixie hugged her back for a moment and even she could sense the tension in Violet's body. 

Violet let out a shaky laugh. "You look like Dolly Parton’s straight brother. Are those cowboy boots?" She laughed again and Trixie joined in, unsure, Katya's eyes on Violet's every move throwing her off. 

"And what are you serving? Sleep deprived fashion whore?" Trixie grinned, an attempt to make this feel normal, like their usual banter.

Violet shrugged her shoulders and her smile didn't reach her eyes. "I guess." 

There was loaded silence for a moment and Katya was still standing by the door. Violet looked at her and then at Trixie again. "I'm... I'm going to leave you to it," she said and hugged Trixie again. Trixie hugged her back, confused, and wanted to protest. It felt weird, Violet thinking she had to leave but part of Trixie agreed, she wanted to offer to leave instead, they couldn't be both here, somehow.

Violet walked back to the door, opening her arms to hug Katya but Katya pushed Violet's arms back down, rejecting the goodbye hug, holding onto Violet’s wrist instead. "Vi," she said softly and Violet sniffed.•

_// And I am feeling so small //_

• Trixie got up, too fast, too sudden, and both Katya's and Violet's heads jerked back to her. 

"I need to talk to my agent," she said. "And shower." She looked at Katya who still had her hand on Violet's arm. "I'll see you later," she said before walking past them, squeezing Violet's shoulder on the way, and leaving Katya's apartment, neither of them trying to stop her.

Confusion took over. She hadn't seen Violet and Katya together in a long time. She knew from social media and Katya's retellings that they had gotten a lot closer on tour. 

She knew that Katya would hug her too, had in fact hugged her like that before, would hug anyone really, if they were upset, she wasn't surprised by that. That was just Katya and she loved her for that.

It was Violet she couldn't quite place. 

But she had seen Violet with Fame, had seen how Fame had gotten Violet to show the judges versatility with vulnerability. 

They were the same like that, Fame and Katya, getting people to open up, to love them, to trust them. 

Trixie knew that Fame was out of town. Maybe Katya was the next best thing to Violet. 

Trixie let go of the thought, she was tired from travelling and reading too much into it. Katya would tell her later if there really was anything to tell. ••• 

 

_// Say something //_

••• Trixie was in a sex shop. With Violet Chachki. To ‘run errands‘, according to Violet. In New York City. On a Wednesday at 5 p.m. Take that, reddit.

Why in the lord’s name she had agreed to go with Violet, she didn't know. Maybe a strange wave of affection after seeing Violet so broken down yesterday.

Violet walked over to her, something in her hand. "So Trixie, this is a ball gag."

"I'm not a prude, Violet."

Violet looked at her, matter of factly. "It's very effective."

Trixie chuckled lightly. "I can imagine."

"To shut Katya up."

"Oh my god."

"You wouldn't know that, but she talks a lot in bed and-"

"I don't want to hear about this."

"-and it's annoying."

Trixie groaned. "Please stop."

"I mean charming in a way." Violet paused and Trixie looked at her and her face was almost...fond? Violet let out a sigh and shook her head slightly, the smile still on her face. "But annoying."

Trixie rolled her eyes while picking up some of the weirdly shaped vibrators. "I'm going to leave if you keep talking."

"So the ball gag shuts her up. Combine that with handcuffs and the such and you have yourself a good time."

"I'm leaving."

„See?“ Violet shifted back into Trixie’s line of sight, an obnoxious grin on her face. „You ARE a prude."

Trixie raised her eyebrows at Violet amused. "Because I don't want to hear the details of my best frenemy fucking my best friend?"

Violet looked at her appalled before a stupid grin appeared on her face. "Your best friend fucking your best frenemy, please. I demand accuracy."

Trixie rolled her eyes. Violet sounded just like Katya now. This conversation wasn't half this bad but she still didn't need more information on their sex life. "Of course you do."

"Don't let Katya hear it the other way around, she's very....uh...demanding about what she likes in bed." Violet winked and Trixie groaned.

"Do you always have to bring stuff like that up?"

Violet laughed quietly before shrugging her shoulders. "What can I say? I'm just a very sexually open and adventurous person."

"Well duh, there has to be some reason for Katya and you to constantly fuck," Trixie laughed. Violet didn't join in and Trixie looked up from the eggplant shaped vibrator she was currently examining.

Violet looked back at Trixie with a weird expression on her face and Trixie was confused. Violet caught herself and let out a chuckle before turning to face the other wall.

"You okay?"

"Yup," Violet said, letting the ‘p’ pop. "Totally."

"Are you sure you got-" Trixie was interrupted by her phone vibrating and looked at the screen. "Katya," she informed Violet before answering, noticing the weird smile Violet sent her before leaving Trixie to the call to walk over to the wall with fetish pumps.

The call was to invite them over, Katya said she was done with work for the day and was bored.  
Violet shrugged but agreed to come.

Katya opened the door, Violet walked past her and turned back around to face both Trixie and Katya. “We went to a sex shop,“ she said, sending a grin and wiggled eyebrows to Trixie before letting herself drop onto Katya’s couch rather dramatically.

Katya looked after Violet amused before looking at Trixie who had just shut the door behind herself. 

"What did you buy, huh?“ Katya wiggled her eyebrows too and Violet laughed.

"Fuck you, Violet."

Katya and Violet just kept laughing while Katya lazily dropped next to Violet.

She rested her hand on Violet’s knee for a moment while smiling at her, her voice weirdly tender. "And what did you buy?"

Violet smirked at Katya before getting back up and Trixie rolled her eyes. "She told me all about... eh ball gags."

Kayla let out a strangled sound before looking at Violet, almost panicked. “Did she now?"

Violet suddenly had a weird expression on her face. She had the fetish pumps in her hands now and slammed them into Katya’s chest, heel first and Katya hissed at the pain. Trixie felt sympathetic confusion for Katya.

"Here,“ Violet said before marching to Katya’s bedroom. “I'm tired. I'm going to take a nap. Watch your movie without me." Both Trixie and Katya looked after her, utterly dumbfounded.

"Do you have a humiliation kink now? On top of everything else?“ Trixie grinned after a moment, gaining her a weak laugh from Katya.

She rubbed over her chest and placed Violet’s heels next to her before looking at Trixie. "Did something happen?"

"I don't know, she was weird when we left."

"Did you say something to her?" Katya sounded defensive now and Trixie raised her eyebrows. What was going on here?

She suppressed the urge to throw her hands up in surrender. “No! No, I don't think so.”

“Sorry,“ Katya said. "She’s just stressed out.“

“And you’re what? Her personal punching bag?“

Katya laughed. “The world is Violet Chachki’s punching bag.“ She looked at Trixie again, serious this time. “She’s just like… projecting onto me or something.“

They heard the shower start and Trixie was more confused than before. Was Violet seriously taking a shower in Katya’s apartment now?

“Okay then,Vi,“ Katya muttered to herself.

“And you’re sure about that? The projecting thing?“

“She’s just letting steam off.“ Katya grinned at Trixie now. “You should know all about that.“

“What?“ 

“You and Violet.“

“What?“

“The way you tease each other. That’s like letting off steam.“

“Uh huh,“ Trixie answered unsure.

Katya kind of had a point. That whole lashing out thing was just, well: very Violet, maybe she was just in a mood.

Katyas grin got wider. “Maybe YOU should fuck Violet.“

Trixie violently raised her eyebrows and Katya started laughing maniacally. “You should see the look on your face! Oh my god!“

Trixie groaned and got up to start the movie.

At some point Violet must have gotten out of the shower because the bedroom door opened, revealing her in only a towel dangerously low on her hips.

She marched past Katya and Trixie, straight into the kitchen only to come back out, a phone charger in her hand.

She briefly locked eyes with Katya: “I’m borrowing your charger.“ and marched back into the bedroom, closing the door.

“I have no fucking clue, don't even ask,“ Katya said before Trixie could say anything. 

Trixie laughed and focused back onto the movie. “Okay then.“

30 minutes later and the bedroom door opened again revealing Violet somehow looking put together now and Trixie was almost certain that she was wearing one of Katya’s few good shirts.

“That's my shirt,“ Katya pointed out.

“Yup.“ Violet walked over to the couch, dropped the charger into Katya’s lap, kissed both Katya and Trixie on top of their heads and walked towards the door. “Later, hoes.“

“Where are you going?“ Katya asked and Trixie felt like she was in some surrealistic telenovela.

"Places," Violet said and Trixie let out a laugh. 

Both Violet and Katya looked at her weird. "She's going places," Trixie repeated. The reaction stayed the same. Okay, maybe not the room for jokes right now.

"Read the room, Trix," Katya whispered.

“Right,“ Violet said. “Bye.“ She slammed the door shut and they could hear her steps echoing on the stairs for a moment.

Trixie turned to Katya. “That was the weirdest fucking thing.“

“Agreed,“ Katya said before slightly shaking her head and typing something into her phone. ••• 

 

_// It was over my head//_

And Trixie is so tired of trying to figure out what Katya wants from this relationship. So tired of not knowing who she's expecting Trixie to be. 

There's so much pressure on them. Always has been, from day one. Taking this step into a relationship had been risky and they had known. 

But what is more beautiful, more promising, easier than dating your best friend, right? Especially when it feels as if the entire world thinks you're the perfect match. 

And Trixie gets it. There's this deep understanding, there's this pull that will always keep Trixie close to Katya, there's the world is a little less bad when Katya is around. 

And that should be enough for them to be ideal for each other, to be the perfect couple so to speak.

 

_// And I will stumble and fall //_

The most rational part of Trixie knows that they were lying to themselves. Them as a couple was good, was nice, was intriguing even. But it's never been quite right. 

Dwelling on that won't help anyone though so Trixie had tried to ignore that pull inside of her that longed for the easier days of just friendship. 

 

_// I'm still learning to love //_

It should be right, it should be easy, it should be perfect: Katya and Trixie. Trixie and Katya. 

But it had never been. It's not even about Violet. Trixie knows that now. Though Violet is part of why Katya is overcompensating, probably. 

It was weird. Katya smothering Trixie in affection as if she was making up for her lack in other departments. Trying to hard to give Trixie what she thinks she wants, holding on too tight, trying way too hard and getting it all wrong.

Trixie doesn't care about the ‘I love you's’, they lose their effect after a while, doesn't care about dinner dates, doesn't care about that one time Katya had gotten her flowers because she thought that's what Trixie wants.  
It is, in a way.  
But not if if it's not coming from Katya's heart. 

And it's not coming from there, Trixie knows her well enough to know that. Katya is almost entirely in her head on this one and Trixie doesn't want her to be.

She loves Katya, she really does, but somehow it's not enough or maybe she loves her in all the wrong ways. 

She doesn't know anymore. The world doesn't make a little more sense when Katya is around anymore.

 

_// I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you//_

Katya looks at Violet while she talks and all her attention is on her. And Trixie knows that Katya listens to her talk with the same intensity. She knows that Katya looks at her with the same curiosity and fascination and care when she talks, probably. 

It's not fair that Violet is being looked at the same way, not when Violet isn't her best friend, not when Violet doesn't know her like Trixie knows her, not when Katya and Violet can go months without talking and Katya still looks at her like that. 

Trixie wants Katya to be honest, wants her to let silence be silence sometimes. They don't share those quiet moments and Trixie craves them, wants to know Katya like that. Quiet, deep in thought, speaking from her heart, unafraid.

She doesn't get those moments. She wonders if Violet did. 

 

_// And I will swallow my pride //_

Katya opens the door and slams her body into Trixie’s, forcefully.

It makes it harder. But Trixie holds on for a moment. Holds on, holds on, holds on.

“Trixie, Trixie, Trix,“ Katya whispers in Trixie’s ear with a surprising intensity while holding on tightly. Trixie closes her eyes, closes her eyes and focuses on Katya’s hands, clutching Trixie’s shirt, Katya’s hair tickling Trixie’s ear and the side of her skin, Katya’s smell: cigarettes, of course, shower gel, some garbage perfume, maybe Willam’s, and, well: Katya; plain and simple Katya smell. Except not plain and simple; complicated and exciting, familiar and safe, and, well: Katya.

It’s almost enough to make Trixie tell her to forget about it, to ask her to watch a movie, to let silence take over.  
Heavy quiet, unspoken words, hurtful truths and necessary pain filling Katya’s messy apartment. 

It’s not enough. Trixie moves out of the hug. 

They look at each other. Katya knows what's coming, knows Trixie, knows that Trixie needs to be the one to do it.

“We’re breaking up,“ Trixie says, just in case. “I’m breaking up with you.“

Katya nods. “I know.“ Of course she does. 

Katya knows Trixie. Trixie used to think that she knows Katya too.

They sit on the couch. Katya holds one of Trixie’s hands between her own, Trixie lets her.

“Why did you start dating me?“ 

“Because I love you. Because it felt nice. Because I feel safe with you. It felt right.“ Katya’s voice sounds unsure and Trixie can tell that she's still protecting her. Protecting Trixie from the truth, at least that’s what it feels like now.

“It wasn't right.” Trixie shakes her head. “It probably never had been,“ she says.

Katya doesn’t argue with that and somehow it sets Trixie off.

She pulls her hand out of Katya’s grip. “What the fuck even was that then?“

Katya blinks at her. Trixie doesn’t scream at Katya, usually. Trixie coddles her, heart too soft to see Katya in pain. Trixie puts Katya first. She can't today. Doesn’t want to anymore.

Trixie gets up from the couch. “Was I some welcome distraction to bang your crush on Violet out? ‘Oh look, Violet doesn’t fucking call me back, but hey, let’s mess with Trixie instead‘?!“ 

“Trixie! That’s not what this was about.“

“Okay, fine. You know what? You’re right. It’s not even about Violet. It’s about you and me. And about you fucking betraying me. You had-” Trixie stops herself and tries to control her breathing, she’s angry, furious, disappointed. 

When she speaks again her voice breaks and Katya looks like she's in physical pain. “You had a million chances to tell me about what was going on with you. Last year, I even fucking asked! I asked: ‘What is going on with you and Violet?‘ You fucking lied. Who lies to their best friend? What the fuck Katya?“

She’s crying. Katya’s crying. Great. 

Trixie has this thing: ‘winning the break up‘. She has a pretty damn good streak, never cries during a break up, ‘Don’t let them see you sweat’ or whatever. 

No one’s winning today.

“I didn't lie,“ Katya says, quiet tears streaming down her face, Trixie looks away. “I said: ‘I don't know.‘ and I didn't know at the time. I still don't know.“

It’s a bullshit excuse, it’s probably the truth too. It makes it harder.

Trixie sighs and sits back down on the couch, leaving enough room between them.

“You could've told me what you felt though.“ Trixie’s voice is softer now. No, not softer. Defeated. Exhausted.  
Could’ve’s, Should’ve’s, What if’s, they're not going to help them.

“I didn't know how,“ Katya says. 

Trixie looks back at her and marvels at the surreality of the situation: losing Katya. She hadn't thought that was possible. 

She shakes her head and locks eyes with Katya, smiling at her sadly.

 

_// Say something //_

“It makes it harder“ Trixie says. “You trying to protect me from the truth.“

“I’m sorry.“ Katya looks at her hands for a moment, a twisted smile on her face. “I’ll be honest now.“

“Were you ever in love with me?“ 

“Trixie,“ Katya whispers while looking at Trixie with wide eyes. “I love you.“

“That’s not what I asked.“ Trixie tries not to soften, she needs answers and maybe Katya will finally give them to her. “Were you ever in love with me? Even just a little bit like you...-” _are_ , she thinks. “-were with Violet?“

 

_// I’m giving up on you //_

“That’s not-„ Katya stops herself, an unreadable expression on her face for a moment before she closes her eyes and lets out a shaky sigh. “No. No, I was never in love with you the way I…” Katya pauses too and Trixie feels defeated. “...was with Violet.“ 

Trixie presses her eyes shut because she can feel the tears building in her eyes again. Katya isn't in love with her. Had never been. Will never be, probably.

She waits for the feeling of breaking apart to take over. It doesn't come. She feels empty, exhausted, disappointed, betrayed instead. 

Trixie believes in love as the core of everything. 

Disappointment, betrayal, heartbreak, yeah that's life, but there’s love to save it.  
There’s Katya with junk food, fully disrespecting Trixie’s fitness journey, at her door to watch fucking Clueless with her and Katya who lets Trixie dream out loud ‘What if every guy would be Josh from Clueless? Do you know what I mean?‘, there’s Katya who probably doesn't know what Trixie means, but there’s Katya who talks some real shit after one of Trixie’s many break ups, there’s Katya who saves it. 

There was love to make it alright again. 

There was Katya to make it alright again.

But not this time.

Love failed. It’s the hardest lesson of her life; that sometimes love isn't enough.

 

_// You're the one that I love //_

Love failed and Trixie breaks. “I want my best friend back.”

Katya’s arms are around her, suddenly. 

“I know.” Trixie can feel the shaking of Katya’s entire body in her arms. It makes it harder. She holds on.

 

_// And I'm saying goodbye //_

She doesn't know how long they sit like that. Too long, not long enough. It’s everything, it’s nothing.

Katya tells her she loves her, Trixie says it back, of course she does. What’s the difference?

They stand at Katya’s door and Trixie wonders if she had ever felt this… drained. Emotionally, physically, she just wants this to be over.

“Thank god for Provincetown shows,“ she says now and means it. A few months away from L.A. sound right.

She needs time off from those emotions, needs time to pick herself back up, needs time to put herself back together again.

Katya smiles weakly. “I’m sorry.“

Trixie nods. “I know. I’m sorry too.“

Katya nods, she hugs Trixie again, she tells Trixie that she loves her, Trixie says it back, of course she does.

It was simple. Trixie and Katya.

It was complicated. Katya and Trixie.

And then it was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.


	6. Katya: Beautiful Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Them letting each other back in time and time again, so easily, so foolishly, so alleviated, it scares Katya. It scares Violet too; Katya can see it on her face when her eyes take her in now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Kitty, big thanks and bless our chat! Also massive thank you to Yaskara, just like in general and specifically for the cat names.  
> So this chapter features emotional turmoil Katya, Courtney Act, the BOTS girls adopting kittens (blame Sharon), Vatya bondage (half assed bondage at best because Katya is an idiot and Violet is weak willed) and a talk that’s long overdue.

**Katya: Beautiful Goodbye**

_// I count the ways I let you down  
On my fingers and toes but I'm running out //_

Trixie is perfect. Katya knows it. Katya loves it. Katya hates it.

She knows that Trixie would be worth the effort, that a relationship with her would be perfect, because Trixie fucking cares, fucking wants you to be happy. And Katya gets her, gets the in and outs and up and downs of Trixie Mattel and knows that Trixie gets her too, its what makes them work. Or used to, at least. 

She remembers times when she made a joke, nothing unusual, Trixie shouldn't have known, Katya was a master at hiding, but Trixie had known that something had upset her. Because the thing is, Trixie knows, Trixie always knows when there’s something going on with Katya. 

She doesn't ask Katya about it. She takes her hand and she hugs her and she lets her cry and she’s there but she doesn't force Katya to talk and Katya loves her for that. Because really, that’s what she needs sometimes and Trixie knows. 

She thinks that, maybe, Trixie wants to know what’s going on in Katya’s head but that, maybe, she can’t see her upset. And Katya gets that, she really does. She’s too close, almost, to see her hurt. So she doesn't ask and Katya doesn't tell.

_// When did the rain become a storm?  
When did the clouds begin to form? //_

She hates putting Violet and Trixie up against each other because it’s not fair. But they’re similar in ways she hadn't fully realised before. Bitchy, bratty, frankly kind of ridiculously needy in bed, sharp, no bullshit approaches to life, honest, direct, defense mechanisms high up (Trixie has her humour where Violet has her ice queen exterior); but also kind, gentle, caring, smart, beautiful, generous, caring, and able to make Katya happier with just being there. Katya hates herself a little, maybe a lot, because she’s not sure which of them she tried to substitute with the other.

It doesn't even make sense because there’s also so many striking differences; Violet is hard where Trixie is soft, Trixie is hard where Violet is soft and it kills her because she doesn't know what’s better or if better is even a word you should use when describing the people you love. 

Everyone likes to think the world revolves around them and it does, in a way. When Trixie was there it was all Trixie, Katya was living in Trixie world, her entire attention on her. When Violet was there it was all Violet, Katya was living in Violet world, her entire attention on her.  
It was like a fucking fucked up double agent life that was bound to explode into a million burning suns that were destined to hurt everyone that stood to close to Katya. So that’s what happened eventually, it hurt Violet, it hurt Trixie, it burned Katya to a miserable pile of ash waiting to be swept away by the low breeze of change. She hates herself a bit more because she’s thinking in weather analogies instead of facing her poor life decisions.

_// Yeah, we got knocked off course by a natural force //_

But the low breeze of change is not that kind and caring. So instead of time healing all her wounds as quickly as possible, it sends her Courtney Act to make sense of the mess.

Katya hadn't really left the bed since Trixie had left ten days ago. She keeps refreshing Trixie’s instagram that is filled with colourful costumes, pink lips, bright smiles and golden sun brought to you directly by the ProvinceTown shows of your dreams starring Trixie fucking Mattel looking tan and carefree and happy when Katya knows that can’t actually be the case. Probably.

So that’s how Courtney finds her: unshowered, maybe slightly underfed because really living off of dried fruit and cigarettes does no one's body good, tired, defeated, and her heart lost in the wallowing sea of pain and longing and somewhere between Violet Chachki and Trixie Mattel.

But Courtney is Courtney and she hugs Katya for ten minutes even though Katya smells bad, she forces her into the shower, she buys food while Katya lets water mix in with despair and tears and she knows she’s a bit dramatic at this point but it’s all a goddamn travesty so it can’t be helped. Courtney cooks food for both of them and it’s pretty decent for being vegan, Katya cries more about Trixie and keeps quiet about Violet, Courtney nods along. 

She doesn't look surprised by anything Katya says about the break up, that maybe it was never right and that she misses her best friend and that Trixie deserves someone who’s perfect for her and that that would’ve never been Katya and that neither really paid attention to that even when they should’ve known. Katya thinks that Violet had known that better than Trixie and Katya did, thinks that Courtney did too and wonders what it is about losing all rationality when you’re in the situation yourself. 

Courtney nods along some more and smiles in empathy and listens and does Katya’s dishes and Katya is pretty sure that Courtney talked to Trixie before she talked to Katya.

_// And let them go, let them fly_  
_Holding back won't turn back time  
_ _Believe me, I've tried //_

She lets go off hoping on Trixie because there’s no way to pretend they could be fine any time soon. But they will be, one day. Maybe. Hopefully.  
Because Katya doesn't think she wants to live the rest of her life without Trixie in it. It hurts and she knows it will hurt for a long time but she’s done pretending. She knows Trixie needs her time away from Katya, to figure everything out, to figure herself out and deep down Katya knows she needs that time too. Because the truth is, maybe they were a bit dependent on each other because now Trixie is gone and Katya has lost who she is, in a way. They need time off of each other but Katya hopes, knows, that, maybe, eventually, one day, they can be friends again.

Maybe this is her time to believe in fate. Maybe she can let that be the thing she learns from Trixie. That what should be will be, maybe not in the way you expect it but what should happens will happen. Maybe you need to make it happen but Trixie believes that everything will always be alright at the end. 

_// Beautiful goodbye_  
_It's dripping from your eyes  
_ _Your beautiful goodbye //_

Trixie believes in love as the core of everything. Katya thinks, maybe, after all, there’s some truth to it.

Because she doesn't call Trixie. She won’t for a while. Because she loves her and because she knows it’s for the best, at least for now, to give her space. She knows that it’s love that makes her let Trixie go.

_// All the pain you try to hide //_

She wants to let go of Violet too, in a way, to give her space too but she can’t. Maybe it’s because she can’t lose them both or it’s because Violet feels like home to her and she never fully gave up on that. 

There’s a part of her that stayed in their New York summer, that stayed there when she left. She can't fully let go because, maybe, it felt like everything. And she tried to hide the pain that came with hiding for so long and it didn't work, her emotions are catching up with her and she knows that she needs to talk to Violet.

Courtney says she needs to run errands and that Katya should come with because she needs to leave the house again eventually. Courtney drives as if she’s slightly manic and Katya fears for her life while Courtney happily talks about the show she did with Adore recently. They drive until they’re at the outskirts of town and Katya leaves the car, looking around surprised.

“We’re at Michelle’s place?”

“Yeah.” Courtney smiles at her while closing the the car and pulling a key out. “She’s not here.” She unlocks the door and three cats swarm Katya’s feet. “Surprise!” Courtney says. “I’m feeding them while Michelle is on vacation.”

“Oh,” Katya murmurs before taking her shoes off and taking the cats in. “They got so big.”

“I know,” Courtney says while making her way to the living room and sitting on the carpet cross legged.

“Aren’t you going to feed them?”

“I was here before I drove to your place but I thought I’d take you here. I thought that might cheer you up.”

Katya sits down next to Courtney while the cats bump their heads against her legs. Katya lets her fingers run through the soft fur of the black one and does indeed feel comforted, if by the memories or the cats themselves, she doesn't know. “Thank you.”

Courtney nods at her with a smile. “Remember when Sharon found them? And Alaska and Michelle were all like ‘We have to take them to animal rescue?’” Courtney laughs quietly.

Katya joins in for a moment. The scene playing out in her head: Sharon Needles emerging from the dark, cold night, holding five dirty, abandoned, underfed kittens and demanding that they would be the tour cats while Michelle, Alaska and eventually Jinkx tried to talk sense into her. Unsuccessfully, obviously. Instead they had taken them to the doctors and had taken care of them in a too small tour bus during the last week of tour. Two of the cats lived with Sharon while the other three were running in circles around Courtney and Katya now.

“Remember when you and Adore were too busy to name your cat properly and ended up with calling her Baby?”

Courtney picks Baby up now and strokes through her fur while grinning at Katya. “Should’ve named her Bianca, honestly. With those panda eyes.”

Katya shakes her head with a grin. “I still don't get why Alaska, Jinkx and Sharon got to name one cat each all alone while you and Adore and me and Vi had to share naming responsibilities.”

“Early season privilege.” Courtney mimics Sharon with a grin.

“And Alaska wasted a perfectly good opportunity and named hers Alley Cat,” Katya says, trying to sound genuinely offended while looking at Alley Cat biting into Courtney’s toe.

“It’s a pun. Because it’s like the name Allie but also it’s a cat that Sharon found in an alley,” Courtney grins dumbly and rolls her eyes.

“It’s dumb is what it is.”

“Judging from the fact that you and Violet ended up with the name Leonardo DiCatprio I’d guess that you won that one though,” Courtney grins.

“We about fell out girl,” Katya says, remembering the almost fight her and Violet had gotten in over naming a fucking kitten and smiles at the ridiculousness. “I think in the end she accepted my creative genius.”

“Or gave up.”

“Or gave up,” Katya echoes with a grin. Courtney doesn't say anything and Katya looks up from where she had let her hand run through Leonardo DiCatprio’s black fur.

"Did you know that Violet comes here every time she's in LA? Like comes here straight from the airport to visit the cats?" Courtney says nonchalantly while keeping her eyes focused on her fingers in Baby's fur.

"She does?"

Courtney looks at Katya and nods. Katya can feel Courtney's intense stare on her when she lets her eyes follow Leonardo DiCatprio and Alley Cat who are play fighting on the rug before Katya's feet now. 

It's the exact information you don't need when you're trying to kind of get over someone, a reminder of why you fell in love with them.

It's stupid. It doesn't make sense for Violet to be this... soft.

But there's those glances, those contradictions that kept Katya hooked.  
Violet likes to pretend that nothing can touch her, Katya knows differently and she loves her for that.  
Violet, when performing in the damn finale for Drag Race season 7, had worn her very first burlesque costume. It was so uncharacteristically sentimental it had made Katya do a double take.  
One of the few times Katya and Violet had been dumb enough to actually hook up on tour, they hadn't even gotten that far because Adore and Courtney had called, drunk and melodramatic, but Violet had left immediately to take care of them.  
Violet, with an eyeroll but no protest at 3 a.m., listening to Katya talk about everything and nothing.  
Violet who says she doesn't smile in photos because she looks stupid with crinkly eyes.  
Violet who comes to Michelle's house every time she gets the chance to play with cats. 

It breaks Katya's heart because she longs for her. And she doesn't want to fuck it up again. Doesn't want to hurt Violet. Doesn't want to hurt Trixie. But she did and she hates herself for it.

"I saw her three days ago," Courtney says now and Katya looks up.

"Violet?"

"Yeah." There's silence for a moment. "You should talk to her." And just like that Katya knows that Trixie had told her everything. She’s okay with that she thinks because she’s definitely not in the mood to talk about it herself, at least not with Courtney, maybe with Violet though.

“I know. I will.”

_// And now I'm kissing your tears goodnight //_

••• Katya looked after Trixie for a moment before fixating back on Violet who appeared like she was about to go into hysterics and closed the door.

With Violet’s hand in her own she maneuvered both of them to the couch, worried, abut pretty certain what this was about.

“What happened?“

Instead of answering Violet started to cry and Katya’s heart couldn’t take it.

“Vi.“ She pulled Violet against herself and felt wet trails of tears on her neck. 

They sat like that for a while, Katya stroking over Violets back, Violet clutching onto Katya, occasional sobs leaving her lips until she began to calm down. •

_// And I can't take it, you're even perfect when you cry //_

• Violet leaned back and Katya was fascinated by her. 

The intensity Violet did everything with was both a mystery and a hazard.  
She was like a fucking thunderstorm on a beach at night; dark, mysterious, a force of nature.  
Beautiful in a way you wouldn’t expect her to be; steady waves crashing onto cliffs and soft tears on pale skin.

“What happened?“ Katya asked again, her thumb rubbing over the back of Violet’s hand.

The sharp inhale of Violet’s breath filled the room for a moment and Katya was worried she was going to cry again, worried that she couldn’t take her strong Violet crying again, worried that Violet was in pain.

Violet sniffed. “I didn’t get the job.“

Katya nodded, she had expected this, given Violet’s current state.

 _Unlucky at cards, lucky in love,_ Katya thought. She didn’t say it, of course she didn’t. Violet would probably smack her in the face.

“Did Fame get it instead?“

Violet sniffed again, tears collecting in her eyes. “No! She didn’t. They gave it to some dumb French whore that’s like fucking 19 years old with a great ass.“ Violet paused and looked at Katya with surprising intensity for a moment. “I have a great ass.“

Katya couldn’t help the snort that came out and her heart fluttered a bit at the small smile that was playing at the corner of Violet’s lips now. Katya tried to mimic Violet’s intense look and spoke, matter of factly, dead pan voice, serious gaze. “You do! You do have a great ass. It should be on the cover of all the magazines.“

Obnoxious, loud Violet-laughter filled the apartment for a moment and Katya smiled at her, the world so much more beautiful when Violet laughed.

Violet looked at her thankful for a moment before letting out a sigh, more dramatic than upset now, really. “Am I becoming old and irrelevant and ugly now?“ she paused and stared at Katya. “Am I becoming you?“

“Bitch!“ Katya hit her in the face with a pillow, Violet laughed.

There was comfortable silence for a moment. Comfortable silence and Violet’s hand in hers.

“It just sucks,“ Violet sounded calmer now, calmer and heartbroken. “I had like ideas and shit.“

“I know,“ Katya said, not sure what else there was to say. She leaned back against the couch, pulling Violet with her, her body in between Katya’s legs, arms around each other, Violet’s head resting on Katya’s chest right over her heart, probably hearing the steady beating. “I know, love.“

Violet didn't react to the pet name and Katya was glad. She felt Violet’s hand that had somehow found its way under Katya’s shirt rubbing slow circles there and smiled. They just lay there like that for a while, taking the city noises and each other in without saying anything.

She placed a fast kiss on Violet’s temple and stroked some hair back. “I vote chocolate cake. Or sex“

Violet smiled up at her. “Why not both?“

“I like your thinking, Miss Chachki.”

Violet let out a laugh and Katya looked at her, truly a thunderstorm at a beach at night sometimes and thought that thunderstorms and nights didn’t stay forever and besides, a beach during sunlight was more beautiful anyway.•••

_// And I remember your eyes were so bright //_

••• There was an excited glint in Violet’s eyes when she finished closing the cuff around Katya’s left ankle, Katya’s legs still in the thigh highs, the rest of her naked. Naked except for wig and high class whore boots she had been wearing since performing a few hours ago. 

Violet was similarly serving looks; a red short wig with bangs, pasties still on her nipples, the garter belt and stockings on, no panties, her and Katya’s red lipsticks all around her mouth, looking like some kind of manic love child of the Joker and a 50’s underwear model and well, kind of really hot.

Violet leaned down and pecked Katya on her mouth before straddling her. She smirked and dug her fingernails into Katya’s skin, scratching over her chest, causing Katya to hiss at the pain and judging from Violet’s face there were more marks to be left on Katya’s body tonight. Katya tried to figure out why that appealed to her.

Violet leaned down and licked over Katya’s neck before moving her mouth to her ear. “You need a safe word."

”What?" Where was Violet going to take this?

"I doubt you'll use it but you need one." Violet paused her tongue’s journey over Katya’s neck and leaned back to lock eyes with her. “You look panicked, are you panicked? We can stop."

Katya tried to form a coherent thought. She wasn't panicked just a bit… surprised? “Uh… no." 

They looked at each other for a moment, well really more Violet looking at Katya calculatingly while Katya looked at Violet’s body and was genuinely sad that she couldn't touch her now. 

Violet raised her eyebrows and smirked at her while letting her hands travel over Katya’s chest, no scratching this time, before leaning down and kissing her hungrily and Katya really wanted to discard Violet’s wig and bury her hands in her hair, to pull at it a little and she wasn't sure if she was actually going to enjoy being tied up.

"Purple Rain,“ she said before biting down on Violet’s bottom lip aggressively.

Violet’s head jerked back while her hand moved to her lip. “What?“ 

“That's my safe word. Purple rain. Get it? Cause its like the song and because you’re Violet.” Katya broke out into laughter while Violet looked back at her, an unreadable expression on her face. 

“Mhm, smart,” Violet said in a deadpan voice.

“Thanks, I thought so too,” Katya answered, trying to mimic Violet’s tone.

Violet snorted lightly and moved her fingers to pinch Katya in the nipple hard. „Bitch," she laughed with Katya joining in. Violet sighed softly. “Fine, whatever.“ 

She pecked Katya on the lips again before getting up to go to her drawers, opening one that Katya knew contained various kinds of toys, and began to search for something.

“Well, isn't that fun just chilling here, all tied up and waiting for my mistress or whatever to fuck herself on me,“ Katya said, admittedly purely to annoy Violet who let out an angry breath while lightly shaking her head. Katya dropped her head back against the pillow with a smirk.

“Sometimes silence can just be silence, you know?“ Violet’s voice sounded annoyed and Katya was satisfied.

She stayed quiet for a moment, trying obedience. Probably.  
She stared at Violet’s ass, at the garter belt, the stockings while Violet continued to search for something in her sex drawer and grew impatient. 

“Speaking of silence," Katya started and Violet groaned. "The movie title ‘Silence of the Lambs’ technically makes very little sense. Have you ever been close to sheep? I have! And they're not silent at all,“ Katya said with a smirk while watching Violet slightly shaking her head and turning it to look at Katya over her shoulder.

“You’re literally the worst person ever to do this with.“ Violet took her wig off and opened her bun, her dark hair cascading down her naked back now, contrasting with the pale skin.

“Well, I’m also the only person who’s here so whatcha gonna do, babe?“ Katya smirked and watched as Violet finally closed the drawer again. 

"I hate you so fucking much,“ Violet said with a smile before getting up and walking back to Katya.

"The bulge in your Dita von Teese panties suggests otherwise." Katya did her, arguably horrible, RuPaul impersonation while Violet looked at her somewhere between amused and annoyed.

"I’m not even wearing underwear, you whore. Also, ever heard of hate fucking?"

"Ever heard of fucking a giraffe? Cause that's what sex with you feels like."

Violet looked at Katya with wide eyes for a moment before letting out a small chuckle. “What the actual fuck, Kat?"

Violet sat next to Katya on the bed again and Katya properly looked at the items in Violet’s hands. A ball gag and a smooth looking piece of fabric and she felt slightly shaken now. Being tied up was basically taking all her power already and adding not seeing and speaking to that?

Violet paused her trying to get a knot out of the blindfold and raised her eyebrows at Katya. “Are you really sure you’re okay with this?“

Katya was pretty sure; the proposition of Violet ‘taking care of her’ did sound too delicious to pass up. She was just nervous but seeing Violet smile at her so warmly, so understandingly, it made it more comfortable. “Yeah, it’s fine. Sorry for talking the entire time.“

Violet held the ball gag up in her hand and Katya nodded. 

“It’s okay. I get it,“ Violet said while positioning the ball gag in Katya’s mouth and closing it at the back of her neck.

“You keep talking because you would feel too vulnerable otherwise.“ Violet smirked at her and her voice sounded stronger, more dominant somehow and Katya did feel a bit too vulnerable now. Violet seemed to sense Katya’s discomfort and kissed her cheek softly.

Her hand slowly stroked over Katya’s chest. “You’re okay?“ she asked, dropping character again, her lips still lingering over Katya’s cheek. 

Violet’s skin on her own, the movement of her fingers so tender and her voice so soft sent a wave of affection through Katya’s body. 

She looked up to Violet; her Violet, hair messy and sweaty now that it was freed from her wig, the exaggerated fake eyelashes gone, both their red lipsticks messily covering half her face and a fond smile on her face and Katya needed her. 

She had never been one to shy away from new experiences and there was part of her that was weirdly allured by the prospect of getting to see a more dominant Violet, of giving herself to her fully. She nodded.

“Okay,“ Violet said before pressing another fast kiss on Katya’s cheek, right next to her ear. “The ball gag is fine?“ Katya nodded again, if she was going to do this, she wasn't going to do it halfway.

“Right.“ Violet looked at Katya for a moment as if gauging at any sign of discomfort Katya’s body could show. She spoke again, still a gentle tone. “So the safe word doesn’t really work anymore,“ Violet smiled. She moved her hand to stroke over Katya’s wrist, resting it right under the handcuff. “Can you snip?“ Katya snipped loudly. 

“Good. Do that if anything makes you uncomfortable. I don't expect that to happen, I’m not going to do anything unusual but just in case.“ Violet shrugged her shoulders and Katya felt a lot more comfortable now. “I’m also going to watch your body very closely.“ Violet paused, a smirk on her face. “Because I want to,“ she winked while her finger danced around Katya’s lower abdomen and was dangerously close to her hardening dick.

“Well and to look out for any signs of you being uncomfortable too. But…“ she smiled and let the sentence hang in the air while looking at Katya’s naked body hungrily. “The thigh-highs are really it,“ she said and the familiar tone of desire in her voice certainly did things to Katya. 

Violet smiled at Katya softly again before pressing a kiss onto her chest. And Katya appreciated Violet explaining everything, she really did, but she would also appreciate Violet sucking her dick about now.

As if she had noticed Katya’s shift in mood again, Violet grinned. “Well,“ she said while picking up the blindfold and moving her hands behind Katya’s head, tying it there. “Here goes.“ 

The silk was soft against Katya’s skin and was successful in robbing Katya of her vision. There she was, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to see and fully at Violet Chachki’s mercy and it was just a little bit thrilling.

She felt the bed move and the material of Violet’s stockings rubbing on her naked skin and assumed that Violet had moved to somewhat kneel next to her.

“I know you, Katya.“ Violet’s breath hit the side of Katya’s neck, a warm, soft stream of air, mixing in with Violet’s voice, smooth and controlled, and Katya felt a stirring in her lower abdomen. 

“You don’t like to give up control.“ Her tongue on Katya’s collarbone. Her hand digging into Katya’s hip. 

“You’re afraid to give yourself to the moment.“ Violet’s lips on her chest while she spoke, causing shivers to travel through Katya’s body.

“I want you to give yourself to the moment.“ Her tongue circling Katya’s nipple. 

“Fully.“ Her teeth digging into Katya’s skin. 

“Shamelessly.“ Her mouth wandering over Katya’s stomach, surely leaving a trail of red lipstick everywhere.

“Indefinitely.“ A kiss on Katya’s lower abdomen, inches from her hard dick and Katya couldn't breathe. 

“How does that sound?“ Violet’s face was next to hers again, her teeth biting Katya's earlobe softly, her hand digging into Katya’s chest. Katya nodded weakly and for once was thankful for the blindfold and not having to look at Violet’s self satisfied face; besides she could feel the smile on Violet’s lips on her neck anyway.

“Are you going to be good for me now?“ Violet’s voice was low and controlled and her index finger was softly stroking over the side of Katya’s neck. Katya nodded again. 

“Good.“ 

Only feeling Violet’s movements was an interesting sensation and Katya understood why Violet had also gotten the blindfold. Everything felt more intense, the soft material of the handcuffs on her wrists, Violet’s hand on her hip, her other at her jaw, softly tilting Katya’s head, she could hear Violet’s breathing for a moment, Violet’s soft lips on the side of her neck, sucking at the skin there for a while, leaving a mark, circling it with her tongue, could hear the need, the possessiveness in Violet’s voice. "To show the world who owns you.“ 

It was insane, absolutely ridiculous, and Katya was thankful for the ball gag stopping her from speaking because surely her voice would be filled with pathetic need, words she maybe meant a bit too much, leaving her lips. She would be Violet’s. Wanted to be Violet’s. Wanted Violet to be hers. Fully, shamelessly, indefinitely.

Violet placed a soft kiss on Katya’s jaw before leaning back, the ends of her hair tickling Katya’s skin. 

Violet straddled her and dug her fingernails into Katya’s chest roughly, painfully, and when she spoke again Katya could hear the smirk in her voice. 

“I’m in charge now, slut.“

Lips on her nipple, sucking on it roughly, biting, while Violet’s fingertips lightly danced over her lower abdomen and Katya could barely breathe. Maybe it was the ball gag or maybe the fact that she had never felt this defenseless, exposed but liberated in a sexual setting. 

She gave in, Violet’s touch on her, her voice in her ear, all lines were crossed, all trust was given, she let herself fall, lost herself in Violet. It was something Katya had been waiting for, maybe, experiencing the beauty of feeling possessed.

“You’re being so good, Kat.” Violet kissed Katya’s stomach softly, just over her dick. ”You’re being so good for me.” Violet’s fingers were around her dick, rolling the condom on slowly and Katya was thankful for the ball gag allowing her to bite onto it so hard it hurt a bit.

The gentle tickle of Violet’s hair on her chest again. “I want you. I want you so fucking much, Kat.” Violet’s hand cupped Katya’s face lightly and the contradiction of the sweet touch and Violet’s raspy voice set her body on fire.

Violet always felt good around her but this was different, this was Violet controlling every move, the pace, the speed, the rhythm and Katya would let Violet do just about anything to her. 

It was surrender, capitulation to Violet’s every touch and Katya was fully giving up; was giving up on fighting for control now, was giving up on fighting her feelings for Violet when she so obviously could never stay away, was giving up keeping her walls up, was giving herself to her.

She thought that maybe Violet could tell, her voice, filled with quiet moans, next to Katya’s ear. “You’re so beautiful when you’re not thinking so much.”

Violet’s hands were on the back of her neck, opening the ball gag, taking it out off Katya’s mouth, pressing a fast peck onto her lips before digging her fingers harshly in Katya’s chest again.

“I thought the point was so that I wouldn't talk for once,” Katya said in between moans as soon as Violet’s lips left hers.

Violet let out a quiet giggle and Katya wished she could see her now, see her and touch her and show her just how much she appreciated this, loved this, needed her, wanted this.

The feeling of hair tickling her chest again, Violet’s hand cupping Katya’s jaw. “Kind of, but I miss hearing you. You’re close-” she moved her hips up and down a few times and Katya couldn't suppress the desperate moans and really wished she could see Violet riding her. “-and I need to hear you, babe.”

Violet moved around her with harsh, fast movements now and Katya was sure she was touching herself, her low moans mixing in with Katya’s own.

“Fuck, Vi,” she moaned before coming hard. Violet moved around her for a moment longer before Katya could feel Violet’s body shaking slightly and hearing those moans she had grown so accustomed too, she had a pretty good idea how Violet’s face looked now but she wished she could see her.

Violet moved off her and disposed the condom before Katya could feel fumbling on her ankles and then her wrists. She didn't move once she was freed, bathing in the sensation for a moment longer, and felt Violet strip her off her thigh highs, the blindfold and remove her wig carefully.

Katya turned her head and watched as Violet stripped out of the garter belt and slowly rolled her stockings of her legs, sending a wink to Katya, before laying down next to her, both of them just looking at each other for a moment.

“This was amazing, Vi. You’re amazing.” Katya sounded like an idiot but it couldn't be helped.

“Dito.” Well at least they both sounded like idiots.

Violet smiled at her and let out a small giggle, Katya watching on helplessly as Violet threw her head back and her eyes crinkled, _‘I love you’_ , she thought. •

_// So in love that night //_

• It’s what she had known at the back of her mind for the longest time, really, that one day Violet would steal her heart, it’s what she had tried to avoid. She didn't want to deal with the fear that came with loving Violet. 

She finally moved and leaned over Violet instead.  
The giggles died down and Violet locked eyes with Katya for a moment before smiling at her again while letting her thumb run over Katya’s bottom lip, surely no lipstick left on it anymore. 

Car honking, chattering and general New York noises filled the room, Violet had opened a window before stripping out of the last of her clothes, and Katya felt the energy of the city in the room but wanted nothing more but to stay in the quiet of Violet’s bedroom.

She marvelled at the epiphany that she loved Violet for a moment before kissing her. She put it all in the kiss; _‘I trust you’, ‘I’m happier when you’re around’, ‘I miss you when you’re gone’, ‘I love you’_ and _‘I’m scared’_. She couldn’t say it, not yet, not now, but she really hoped that Violet would know. •••

_// And I remember your eyes were so bright //_

Katya drives to Violet’s apartment after Courtney drops her home and after she takes another quick shower because there’s cat fur everywhere and then leaves immediately. She feels as if this conversation can’t wait any longer now.

“Katya. What...What are you- Why are you… What?” Violet says when she eventually does open the door. She looks tired and Katya wonders if she had already been asleep and feels a bit bad. But Violet being sleepy right now helps her a bit because at least she’s not screaming at her.

“We need to talk.” There must be something in her voice because Violet stares back at her for a moment, hair wild, T-shirt crinkled, her legs barely covered by the shorts she is wearing, and steps away from the door to let Katya in.

Katya can tell that Violet lets her in against her better judgement when she steps away from the door. She looks at Katya, her eyes soft but wary. Violet probably wants this all to be over with, wants to save herself from further hurt and Katya gets it. Violet is rational, they both are. 

But Violet also opened the door for Katya and let her in, like Katya let's Violet back in.

Them letting each other back in time and time again, so easily, so foolishly, so alleviated, it scares Katya. It scares Violet too; Katya can see it on her face when her eyes take her in now. 

“Trixie and I broke up. Trixie broke up with me.” They’re still in Violet’s hall and Violet crosses her arms over her chest.

“I know. Courtney told me.” Violet looks at her calculatedly for a moment. “Why?”

Katya lets out a shaky sigh. “Can we sit?”

Violet sighs as well and lets her hand run through her hair in a way that Katya knows means that she’s nervous. “Okay.” She leads them to sit on the couch.

Katya stares at the magazines on the coffee table for a moment, at Violet’s laptop, the empty wine glass and takes a deep breath.

“Trixie and I broke up because it wasn’t right. It never was right as a relationship. And we should’ve known and I’m sorry.”

“Okay?” Violet sounds wary now and Katya isn't sure what to make out of it and she’s not sure if it was fair to just spring this talk onto her but it’s what’s happening now.

“I need to tell you something and it’s important and I need to say it and… I... and you can’t interrupt me, okay?” 

Violet looks back at her with raised eyebrows and Katya hopes that she is at least curious enough to hear her out. “Okay.”

Katya couldn't tell her what she had felt last year.  
Couldn't tell her that the reason she asked Violet to stay the night even when Katya was busy wasn't to fuck her but because Katya felt better when Violet was there, lighter and grounded at the same time somehow.  
Couldn't tell her that she liked having her next to her at night, hearing Violet's voice last thing before she fell asleep. Couldn't tell her that her heart ached when Violet was upset as if it was her own pain. Couldn't tell her that Violet looking so conflicted when telling her about how she admired Katya for being so easy to like was one of Katya's most treasured memories; because she let her walls down, because she let Katya in, let Katya see her heart. Couldn't tell her how she missed Violet the minute the taxi drove off. Couldn't tell her she loved her then.

Couldn't tell her she loved her when the morning sun was dipping her in golden light and her lips tasted like mint, her movements unsure but like she had a goal in mind. Couldn't tell her she loved her when Violet brought home Katya's favourite food after a bad day. Couldn't tell her she loved her when she let out a sigh, moved closer, resting her head on Katya's shoulder, her breath on Katya's neck and talked to Katya all night, a smile playing around her lips even though Katya had woken her up at 3 a.m. Couldn't tell her she loved her when she was kissing Katya, a warm September day, only hours away from a flight from New York to Los Angeles Katya would be on. Couldn't tell her she loved when she was standing on the sidewalk next to a taxi Katya was in, staying there while the car drove away, looking after Katya when Katya had expected her to walk back in straight away.

And Katya wants to tell her everything. Everything she never said last year, wants to tell her how she remembers all the moments from last summer. Wants to tell how she thinks that she thinks that she, maybe, will never be able to fully leave that summer because it was… everything.

If there was a way to turn back time, she would. She would tell Violet how she’s the only person who ever got to hear Katya’s middle of the night doubts, how she’s the only one Katya was that vulnerable for, how for Violet’s eyes only, Katya had bared her heart.  
It was almost as if she had had no choice other than let her defenses down, as if her body had taken her heart and her feelings and her everything and had just given it to Violet; _‘this is all I can give you, for when the world is a bit too much, you will at least have this, will have me, if you want.’_

The all too familiar urge to leave, to make a joke, to downplay it overcomes her. But she can’t. They need to talk about it, for closure, for a beginning, for an ending, for what it’s worth.

She could name 100 things she likes about Violet and wouldn't even have started; way too many adjectives and bad comparisons and it would still not be good enough.  
It could never be enough because it’s stupid, because love is stupid and Katya is scared and defenseless and she says it anyway, says it all.

“I like you. I just like everything about you.” Violet’s expression is unreadable but Katya keeps her eyes locked with her anyway.  
“The way you dance on stage and I like how it’s way different from the way you move normally. And the way you talk, even when it’s a bit bitchy at times, and I like the way you walk and hate it when you walk away and I know that sounds dumb.” A small smile creeps into the corner of Violet’s mouth for only a second but it’s enough to make Katya’s heart light. She can’t bear the eye contact once the smile is gone again. She stares at Violet’s hands instead.  
“I like your hands. I like the way you don’t think you’re they’re pretty, how you think they’re mismatched to the rest of your body because it’s stupid,” Violet laughs a little but it sounds weird, careful almost.  
“And I like that you laugh about jokes that you didn't understand just because I started them. And I love the way you care and how you’re kind and gentle and I hope you understand that I’m not good at this but I hope that you know.“ 

Katya looks up Violet looks at her and she looks scared and Katya isn’t sure, maybe she’s crying a bit.

_// And I can't take it, you're even perfect when you cry //_

“I…,“ Violet starts, voice trembling . “I don’t know what to say.“ But she takes Katya’s hand between both of her own and Katya loves her a little more.

"I loved you," Katya says and Violet's eyes widen and then Katya surprises herself because she continues talking. Continues even though her voice is breaking and her hands are shaking and she can't look Violet in the eyes. Violet’s hands are warm and safe around her own. "I love you."

Violet takes in a sharp inhale of breath and Katya looks at her to meet her gaze.

_// And I remember your eyes were so bright  
When I first met you, how in love were we that night? //_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a lot of different things happening and I'm kinda sorry but also not, leave a comment if you're up for it! xx


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